Hard week was triggered this week by a work colleague,not that she overly did anything noticeable but because im very sensitive to tone and this person has triggered me too many times now it actually doesn't take much...I find it incredible frustrating I just want to get on with my day/life without crap surfacing constantly..I'm thinking I was triggered both by my borderline symptoms and PTSD symptoms ,I liken the experiences to that of and earthquake, so example is said conversation happened on Tuesday within a minute of that conversation i find myself angry,upset,frustrated (all very quietly i might add)I cannot speak to any of my co workers for 15 mins as I'm mentally processing how I had been spoken to my blood rushing my mind yelling I'm NOT FUCKING STUPID!!.Now I know when my mind is yelling that I have been triggered and its a trigger related to my father who repeatedly treated me like I was in fact very stupid,and could never EVER be right about anything ...anyway after sometime I could discuss with a co worker what had been said and I really felt I needed validation from someone else ..this in itself annoyed me as I don't trust my own thoughts /judgement still...I went home that day extremely drained I also reached out to a friend to discuss my day /what had happened and felt shut down so have not discussed it and feel I cant talk to her about important stuff now..just meaningless ..how was your day oh yeah awesome OK bye ..(fake)
since Tuesday I have had multiple "aftershocks" reminders small blips of stuff from my dad and childhood popping up ..what seems like nothing to others has huge after affects for me incredibly draining and somewhat doesn't make sense to others this is where I'm really glad I did DBT and one year of therapy as I would know nothing of this not recognize my feelings of hurt and angry and feeling betrayed I would be at the bottom of a bottle and three months later crawling in to the doctors having no idea of what was wrong or why I felt so depressed ...the biggest difference I have noticed is that I KNOW what is happening and I KNOW what to do ...and im doing it SELFCARE taking time to eat well,sleep,exercise and choosing great activities with my child over beating myself up ..being mindful and noticing I've started catastrophising alot this week and I listen to loads of music when feeling crap which I have been doing ,the difference now is that I have time limits so its not three in the morning before I go to bed ...i must say out of a shitty week its nice to stand back and view my week and go wow I
did a good job I was professional,keep my cool ,stuck to my values and managed my selfcare that will do pig that will do....
