ptsd flashback childhood ...triggers warning

As I often do I was listening to music ..and flicked onto one of my favorite songs of the moment...
I could feel myself getting  into the song  and then ..i just started to see the countless times that as a
child i had been very lucky to escape being seriously sexually abused as a child, and I can tell you they were very close calls and truly by sheer luck that it didn't happen until older (sadly)..my skin  and body still shudders and creeps out at things that i guess some people don't think twice about...

I,m not to fond of hugging i don't know what i,m supposed to do and i go on high alert,having to walk past others drinking is a nightmare i become very cold and unapproachable...and that smell of stale beer ..yerkkkk

The things i can now remember are being left with my brothers male friends,being left outside the local pub alone...being made to kiss drunk uncles and not necessarily related uncles goodnight...YUCK!
old men from the pub trying to kiss the little girl on their way out of the pub...brothers mates thinking its a good idea to play spin the bottle with a mere 7 yr old..all I can say is that these were truly terrifying events I hate my smelly uncles,I hated that dam pub and all I wanted was my parents..one in the pub and god knows where my mother was....

All i can say as a child who was lucky to escape certain parts of abuse..i didn't escape all ..emotional and mental abuse and neglect are bad enough thanks... is KNOW your children,be there ,be approachable,be willing to take the time to know who your child's friends are and who they hang with and keep any drunk uncles and aunty from slobbering on your child.

welcome to black and white thinking its all or nothing...get in get out...drown or swim

Its been a tough month,Christmas/DEC is not my favorite time of year ..it reminds me my family suck ..there are five of us still living and do ya think we can get together and share a nice "family time" errr nope we are spread out and the "joy " of Christmas is sadly lacking...besides i hate Christmas.. i dont like being reminded  that for the most part i am alone. Anyway with  that said i wish to explain some of my ability in powers of black and white thinking its quite embarrassing at times...


So currently i am in therapy  and often the problem that pops up for me is my extreme thinking ..finding a middle ground  i never knew such a thing existed..

here's  a couple of basic examples of what goes on ...

Its ALL my fault,No-one could EVER love me...NO-ONE cares...EVERYONE hates me

and for me I find it very disturbing to find out there is actually a different way of thinking a more balanced way to see things..i feel the ground shift from under me every-time it happens and i get frustrated and pissed off its like finding out Santa not real(dammit sorry kids)  or your most favorite actor or singer is a complete twat..and it makes me sad because i see things in this way due to my life experiences,and whats worse is that because of how i grew up i often feel very ashamed and stupid for not seeing  a certain view i have or had is simply the extreme and not necessarily true and I flick to another extreme of shutting down..gahhh so then i,m invalidating my own feelings ...SHIT!!!make it stop i wanna get off the ride....its making me sick..

the good news is I am able to recognize that im on the merry go round(HUGE PROGRESS) and i can stop it simply by challenging one detail...    like this ...

EVERY ONE hates me...challenge.. well my friend ***** doesent hate me so that's not everyone...some people may hate me and that's ok