Its been a tough month,Christmas/DEC is not my favorite time of year ..it reminds me my family suck ..there are five of us still living and do ya think we can get together and share a nice "family time" errr nope we are spread out and the "joy " of Christmas is sadly lacking...besides i hate Christmas.. i dont like being reminded that for the most part i am alone. Anyway with that said i wish to explain some of my ability in powers of black and white thinking its quite embarrassing at times...
So currently i am in therapy and often the problem that pops up for me is my extreme thinking ..finding a middle ground i never knew such a thing existed..
here's a couple of basic examples of what goes on ...
Its ALL my fault,No-one could EVER love me...NO-ONE cares...EVERYONE hates me
and for me I find it very disturbing to find out there is actually a different way of thinking a more balanced way to see things..i feel the ground shift from under me every-time it happens and i get frustrated and pissed off its like finding out Santa not real(dammit sorry kids) or your most favorite actor or singer is a complete twat..and it makes me sad because i see things in this way due to my life experiences,and whats worse is that because of how i grew up i often feel very ashamed and stupid for not seeing a certain view i have or had is simply the extreme and not necessarily true and I flick to another extreme of shutting down..gahhh so then i,m invalidating my own feelings ...SHIT!!!make it stop i wanna get off the ride....its making me sick..
the good news is I am able to recognize that im on the merry go round(HUGE PROGRESS) and i can stop it simply by challenging one detail... like this ...
EVERY ONE hates me...challenge.. well my friend ***** doesent hate me so that's not everyone...some people may hate me and that's ok
I don't hate you either, so that's okay too, oui?
ReplyDeleteI too wrestle with this mind set and it's honestly a double edge sword in my experience. I need the right or wrong, the in or out, on the bus or off...and I find if I don't think of it in these definite terms, I cannot move past making a decision...I have to pick on side of the road or the other to ride upon because the only thing in the middle is a flat, straight line and roadkill...but learning to at least identify shades of gray helped...learning to look at from that opposite side of view helped...and then, letting folks know ahead of times, this is how I sometimes see things...I mean no harm, but help me better understand your POV, please...if people know I have a difficult in understanding, they lower those walls and negative energies...it also helps a lot...but hell yeah, for me too...one long sad slide from November into the new year, even though there's so much happiness in there, so also with it sadness too...
But good start quazy...EVRYONE does NOT hate you and I'M bloody proof of that FACT!
See you 'round, friend!
cheers d'philip..its a slow process i don't like change lol..(along with finding out i have something twisted )
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