existing

Its been another tough couple of weeks and when its like that i stick my head in the sand ..well actually I put my headphones on and shut everyone and everything out...I'm getting better at coming back out thou..


Sometimes with BPD and PTSD it can feel to me like i don't exist, I want to give you and example and some explanation as to what this looks like for me, please keep in  mind that some of this may seem ridiculous and very sensitive sally..tough luck because i am sensitive but this all makes sense to me now so hopefully it will to you and give you a little piece of insight as to what BPD and PTSD can feel like at times..

In a day some things that can happen to me which will turn a switch and I,m in BPD and PTSD mode.
I,m driving to work and a car will pull out directly in front of me...I stop to full up with gas at the station not only does the chap inside take FOREVER to let the pump work but some man pushes past me and gets served first..i get to work and staff who know me call me by someone else s  name and then the boss comes in and hands us work info with my name spelt wrong.....i then am trying to talk to my friend and her phone bleeps and she is reading a text while i am talking....a work colleague comes to ask information from me i answer and that same work colleague asks the same question to another person and they answer the same as me and then that work colleague is satisfied...    now some of that or maybe most of that does not seem like a big deal but then tack on how i was bought up and some life experiences and BOOM i am flashing back to multiple times i have been ignored ,the reality of no photos of me as a child ,multiple times i was called ***sister(not my own name  just my sisters name )multiple times my own name was

spelt wrong ..times with my ex partner where i said something it was ignored and his dad said the exact same thing and it was received like it had never been heard before.....being pulled out in front of in traffic scares the bejesus out of me ,my thoughts always scream out AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE!!!and in a day where lots of things may have been triggered..my body then goes numb and i cant feel if i am real..I literally feel like i have disappeared like i am fog just floating around..it can be and awful feeling when its stays for a long time so i have had to learn how to "ground myself" i do this by checking my five senses,smell,taste,touch,hear,see..sometimes if i am at home i will wrap a blanket around me...or have a really hot shower.....the biggest trigger has got to be people not listening because its a first class way of making someone feel like they are not there,that what they have to say is not important,that your not worth anything..you don't exist.....