loneliness = not feeling too flash

Ive Ummed  and ahhed about writing due to exactly how I am feeling,but came to the conclusion that better out than kept in hiding growing like a cancer spreading and suffocating the life out of me,(feeling quite macabre)
I hate loneliness ,also I,m quite scared of it at times as it can  lead me to feeling suicidal ,full of self doubt and feeling like this huge weight and shadow are following me around trying to smother me ,causing a huge ache and sorrow that seems never ending ,I can see through the years in my life where loneliness has always just been there right from a little child isolated and struggled to keep friends or have any at all (living in the middle of no where with an alcoholic father not helping ) skip forward teenage years no better always the weird kid strange fashion sense and a strange no need to be like anyone else like I already knew there was no point ..I wasn't going to fit anyway.To my early twenties I think I spent drunk and stoned to help erase the loneliness (not recommended coping skill )skip forward to thirties still there in fact worse now in that time because I,m pregnant with my son and feeling very alone in my relationship and then develop postnatal depression (ex partner does not believe in depression so is not supportive)needless to say that after two years we separate only I have to do it because even though nothing I ever did wasn't good enough I was still a great house maid..I,m forty now and yup my faithful companion loneliness is haunting me once again and all I can think is this it?will it always be this way...I am doing my best I have made huge efforts in areas of my life ,I don't cut people off like I used to in the past(unless they are of danger to me ie and alcoholic friend pushing booze at me ),I don't drink anymore or smoke and pot or any drugs for that matter,I don't isolate to the extent I used to and yet I still have this horrible sense of  I will be alone all my life..and that is not a life worth living.I don't have any answers to solving this currently  but have to trust that something in my DBT skills will kick in and help ,I do have planned a friends visit which I know will improve my mood somewhat but I would like to work on the bigger picture also...or maybe i just need a big cry fuck knows..so if you have BPD I,m guessing you will understand this post and so maybe

Im not alone after all.