TW life goes by...

Its been a while  so here goes ...,

yesterday was my birthday,its OK you didn't  know,
yesterday another brilliant musician took his life Chester Bennington,i still was reeling from the death of Chris Cornell another beloved musician of mine and to get home to find the news once again we have lost a beautiful soul devastates me ,BUT you know whats worse is the comments on all of the news feeds i,m on.
 I like a lot of rock/metal musicians and when they post their condolence because they are real fucking people and these are their friends .What pisses me off and disgusts me is the callous and uncalled for comments and fucking Memes that are made in such poor taste  and in the midst of hundreds of grieving fans,family members and friends and the clear resolute ignorance and lack of thought or empathy when making such comments ,Now i have an awesome sense of humor but people dying is never funny by suicide nope still not laughing.

Calling out people who have died by suicide cowardly/selfish,just stop CLEARLY you have no understanding at all,ever talked to someone suffering depression?anxiety ?some form of chronic pain suicide is a desperate and final attempt at relieving serious mental pain,People dont really want to die they want the PAIN gone and cannot see a way for that pain to be gone any other way.As for what about his family kids  etc maybe he felt like he was doing them a favor,as he may of felt like a burden ,I,m so sad we lost another human being,not just a favorite musician it hurts my heart to think of someone so desperate and in pain alone.

Please stop think and ask questions when appropriate but stop making jokes and belittling  a person who has past.

love flowers

gosh I love flowers and these smell magnificent ,I also love going to markets

 hehe ignore my note more proof of self care

Inspiration...selfcare Why...What..

HI! its been a while since my last post ,because well I just didn't think I had that much to say at the moment,I have had a few changes ,Job change goals have changed ,feelings are changing ..I dont like change much BUT I can cope.I am feeling like I have a touch of depression like a dementor is lurking close but not quite there ..so im trying to get some good self care stuff going so that even if depression slinks in like the over-stayer that wont piss off that I will cope ,plod along and know that eventually it will leave again,after chatting with some google peeps,Annie that's you  and that's you  Javier felt inspired to do some things,Things I tell everyone to do because they help with depression and anxiety and BPD symptoms  also PTSD and probably others as well .See I like to fix things ,people animals but often I forget myself until its too late..so I,m taking some of my own advise and doing some self care ,Now some self  care is nice stuff like pampering face stuff nice soap and buying cool stuff ,some self care is not so much fun like sitting down and doing some mindfulness exercise and seeing that shit actually I,m feeling sad and a bit depressed(not a pleasant feeling)Its booking that doctors appointment,its making myself go to bed when i want to stay up and watch tv,Its not buying that bottle of wine on a Friday night or Saturday ....What is self care..To me self care is you taking care of you own needs and not expecting anyone else to do it for you,it is doing to sometimes nice things ,but also the I need to get this done things like going for a blood test or making sure I have taken my iron pills.or dealing with an emotional issue that's been procrastinated about for ever!.I am pleased to say I have some thing in motion for when I am feeling a bit crap and I have taken some photos to share of what my self care box looks like and what some of the nicer things I do when I,m feeling ratshit .some of the stuff is distraction things for the super over busy thinking mind,some things like the doodle book make you use your imagination some things are just pretty and things I have bought in the markets,my pretty box needs a top up as I actually use the stuff which is funny because at first I couldn't even use the things because I didn't want to ruin them :) also you cant smell how fabulous the box smells its fantastic !If you dont have a self care box i suggest you start one they really are great I think I will be adding some cash  to mine and some notes about which feeling goes with what and what i have found worked in the past when i felt like that!also a list of who is good to talk to when I am feeling down.

 market buys

 pretty coloring in note book

 my fabulous doodle book

my pretty self care pamper box

my sons car repair boxs haha he repaints his cars with my nail polish clever boy

 my $3.00 pumpkin  and some more pretty stuff....ps im obsessed with the colour blue i love it :)

Having BPD borderline personality disorder...NEWSFLASH

NEWSFLASH having BPD is not a death sentence,you are not an arsehole,you are not incurable,you are not borderline...you are a person with borderline personality disorder ...gah Today i have read one to many articles and seen on pinterest one too many flashcard type pins telling me how awful my life is and how borderlines do this and borderlines do this ,and how im always going to lose my temper and hurt people and do this and that and then kill myself  um no actually im not im having a cup of tea and planning my lunch for tomorrow for which i planned to be around for ....
please stop the miserable crap on borderline personality disorder and be part of sharing some hope ..

I have my bad days but  then I would say so do people without BPD,also I   will say DBT has made a huge difference to how i cope also seeing a therapist for about a year helped hugely and before that online help such as DBT path ,Kati morton and other mental health bloggers/vloggers and there are also some great dbt work books out there too

,I cant wait to start seeing some more positives spins on people with BPD.

loneliness = not feeling too flash

Ive Ummed  and ahhed about writing due to exactly how I am feeling,but came to the conclusion that better out than kept in hiding growing like a cancer spreading and suffocating the life out of me,(feeling quite macabre)
I hate loneliness ,also I,m quite scared of it at times as it can  lead me to feeling suicidal ,full of self doubt and feeling like this huge weight and shadow are following me around trying to smother me ,causing a huge ache and sorrow that seems never ending ,I can see through the years in my life where loneliness has always just been there right from a little child isolated and struggled to keep friends or have any at all (living in the middle of no where with an alcoholic father not helping ) skip forward teenage years no better always the weird kid strange fashion sense and a strange no need to be like anyone else like I already knew there was no point ..I wasn't going to fit anyway.To my early twenties I think I spent drunk and stoned to help erase the loneliness (not recommended coping skill )skip forward to thirties still there in fact worse now in that time because I,m pregnant with my son and feeling very alone in my relationship and then develop postnatal depression (ex partner does not believe in depression so is not supportive)needless to say that after two years we separate only I have to do it because even though nothing I ever did wasn't good enough I was still a great house maid..I,m forty now and yup my faithful companion loneliness is haunting me once again and all I can think is this it?will it always be this way...I am doing my best I have made huge efforts in areas of my life ,I don't cut people off like I used to in the past(unless they are of danger to me ie and alcoholic friend pushing booze at me ),I don't drink anymore or smoke and pot or any drugs for that matter,I don't isolate to the extent I used to and yet I still have this horrible sense of  I will be alone all my life..and that is not a life worth living.I don't have any answers to solving this currently  but have to trust that something in my DBT skills will kick in and help ,I do have planned a friends visit which I know will improve my mood somewhat but I would like to work on the bigger picture also...or maybe i just need a big cry fuck knows..so if you have BPD I,m guessing you will understand this post and so maybe

Im not alone after all.

triggered this week

Hard week was triggered this week by a work colleague,not that she overly did anything noticeable  but because im very sensitive to tone  and this person has triggered me too many times now it actually doesn't take much...I find it incredible frustrating I just want to get on with my day/life without crap surfacing constantly..I'm thinking I was triggered both by  my borderline symptoms and  PTSD symptoms ,I liken the experiences to that of and earthquake, so example is said conversation happened on Tuesday within a minute of that conversation i find myself angry,upset,frustrated (all very quietly i might add)I cannot speak to any of my co workers for  15 mins as I'm mentally processing how I had been spoken to my blood rushing my mind yelling I'm NOT FUCKING STUPID!!.Now I know when my mind is yelling that I have been triggered and its a trigger related to my father who repeatedly treated me like I was in fact very stupid,and could never EVER be right about anything ...anyway after sometime I could discuss with a co worker what had been said and I really felt I needed validation from someone else ..this in itself annoyed me as I don't trust my own thoughts /judgement still...I went home that day extremely drained I also reached out to a friend to discuss my day /what had happened and felt shut down so have not discussed it and feel I cant talk to her about important stuff now..just meaningless ..how was your day oh yeah awesome OK bye ..(fake)
since Tuesday I have  had multiple "aftershocks" reminders small blips of stuff from my dad and childhood popping up ..what seems like nothing to others has huge after affects for me  incredibly draining and somewhat doesn't make sense to others  this is where I'm really glad I did DBT and one year of therapy as I would know nothing of this not recognize my feelings of hurt and angry and feeling betrayed I would be at the bottom of a bottle and three months later crawling in to the doctors having no idea of what was wrong or why I felt so depressed ...the biggest difference I have noticed is that I KNOW what is happening and I KNOW what to do ...and im doing it SELFCARE taking time to eat well,sleep,exercise  and choosing great activities with my child over beating myself up ..being mindful and noticing I've started catastrophising  alot this week  and I listen to loads of music when  feeling  crap which I have been doing ,the difference now is that I have time limits so its not three in the morning before I go to bed ...i must say out of a shitty week its nice to stand back and view my week and go wow I

did a good job I was professional,keep my cool ,stuck to my values  and managed my selfcare  that will do pig that will do....

disappointed... psychologist etc

This week sadly I read an article , sort of wish I hadn't ...a psychologist wrote an article about people with narcissism(narcissist ) and BPD and the same old load of crap  regarding BPD was thrown around like fact  ..as a person with BPD this really bothers me I'm sick of being told I'm one way and one way only (this is very black and white thinking on the psychologists behalf i might add )..that I cant change that I'm to be avoided and certainly to never enter into a relationship with because I'm such an arsehole...(ok he didnt say arsehole but might as well of )I also fell onto another article but  I did back out on that one after reading the title ..how to deal with   borderline and the wording thus in was not any better. You know i am actually a person not some shitty statistic ,some horrendous disorder ...and despite so called professionals telling me I'm so bad ,I cant be treated and hopeless that people need treatment from me like a disinfectant because I'm so poisonous...despite all of that im doing okay i didnt go beat anyone to a pulp ,yell or throw a fit what i did do was use my DBT skills to think about WHY does it bother me so much what some stranger wrote  and heres what it is in a nutshell...

psychologists are there to help people with mental illness its what they chose as a profession,BPD is a TREATABLE mental illness that has lots of stigma..I believe people that are in the field  of mental health should be INSPIRING and giving hope ,there is enough people abusing people with BPD already in this world (so many people with BPD also suffer PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
if tomorrow you had to switch places and YOU were the person who had BPD(mr psychologist)would you want to read that you are to be avoided,that you will cause nothing but pain and misery to any that have involvement with you ,that you are a hopeless suicidal lost cause...or..would you like to be uplifted and told about the awesome things that can help like having cbt ,DBT therapy that you are understood that you are supported..that YOU BELONG and that you as a person with BPD are needed in  this world..and that you shouldn't be ashamed of a disorder you didnt ask for....the stuff that is said in these articles really hurts and I remember when I found out I had BPD I had to really search thru a pile of really nasty stuff to find some hope (THANKYOU HEALING FROM BPD!!)and (KATI MORTON)...please stop the stigma and if you cant say anything nice just say nothing.