what does it all mean..what the hell..

As you can maybe imagine the last thing you want to find out is that you have a disorder right? well for me wrong i was relieved..I finally have answers to things that have quietly and not so quietly caused chaos in my life,don't  get me wrong i wasn't jumping for joy  but i felt i had something to finally go on...
what does having BPD(borderline ) mean for me ..in my last post the signs /traits /symptoms were listed and some of it sounds a little confusing unless you carry a dictionary around or know some mental health jargon..
here's the guts of what it means for me..In no particular order and  I think its important to note I have PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder ) as well because the two overlap a lot and my head goes fuzzy ..

emotional instability...I am really sensitive ..it takes me a while to calm down if i am angry or anxious or sad or anything i really FEEL it(think physically in your body like a stabbing or burning pain )...which leads me to
transient stress related paranoia  or severe dissociative symptoms...I dissociate a lot from my emotions I find my emotions so painful or intense that hello my mind shuts down (i learned to do this from a young age)I don't always know im doing it but recently through therapy I know when its starting to happen... also a symptom of PTSD  for me it feels like I'm  going underwater and talking to someone from a distance even though they might be right next to me ...
Impulsivity..well i don't go off and shag anything that walks but i do reckless things i might go drink or just do something that someone else would be able to clearly identify as a bad idea...i only realize it was a bad idea AFTER I've  done it ...but I'm working on that one ....
intense anger..errmm yes but i don't get into fist fights or go round bashing people in general..it all goes inward..because i was taught that its not ok to get angry ever....
unstable relationships..yes totally guilty of seeing either all good or all bad ...it does cause me heartache and....
chronic feelings of emptiness..because i shut everyone out  because...
my belief that every one will abandon me   (frantic and terrified at times)
and experiencing chronic emptiness and lack of meaningful friendships  leads to depression which leads to suicidal thoughts and things get very nerve racking ..

so  how did this develop and whats with the PTSD ...i'll let you know next time i feel like posting...
 

who..whattttt...why me...

Earlier this year i had the supreme pleasure (*note sarcasm)of discovering I suffer from a disorder well actually two...sigh overachiever even in disorders!!.
For years i have just thought i was a little weird ,suffered bouts of depression and anxiety...never knowing the truth until now...Which leads me to..I suffer from BPD and PTSD... what a bunch of letters...no if only I was scared of the alphabet.
These shortened versions stand for Borderline personality disorder and Post traumatic stress disorder
I will be hashing out what this all means the signs the symptoms and my experiences with these disorders,to me this is my place to be me  ,sometimes I may post my thoughts on subjects that are not popular.. somethings may be triggering for which i will post a TW trigger warning ..and some days i will swear so be warned if your looking for perfect MOVE ON NOW....
About BPD
The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive, oftentimes demonstrating self-injurious behaviors (risky sexual behaviors, cutting, suicide attempts).
well crap that sounds great..sigh but wait

BPD traits (five of any 9 of these and bingo )

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating.
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.           

well that all sounds like a dream come true doesn't it...ah no first of all half of it you need a dictionary to understand..well next time i,ll explain what BPD means to me and how it affects me and my life and maybe inspire and give someone hope that all is not lost....and a little about how PTSD plays a part in my life as well ...