what does it all mean..what the hell..

As you can maybe imagine the last thing you want to find out is that you have a disorder right? well for me wrong i was relieved..I finally have answers to things that have quietly and not so quietly caused chaos in my life,don't  get me wrong i wasn't jumping for joy  but i felt i had something to finally go on...
what does having BPD(borderline ) mean for me ..in my last post the signs /traits /symptoms were listed and some of it sounds a little confusing unless you carry a dictionary around or know some mental health jargon..
here's the guts of what it means for me..In no particular order and  I think its important to note I have PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder ) as well because the two overlap a lot and my head goes fuzzy ..

emotional instability...I am really sensitive ..it takes me a while to calm down if i am angry or anxious or sad or anything i really FEEL it(think physically in your body like a stabbing or burning pain )...which leads me to
transient stress related paranoia  or severe dissociative symptoms...I dissociate a lot from my emotions I find my emotions so painful or intense that hello my mind shuts down (i learned to do this from a young age)I don't always know im doing it but recently through therapy I know when its starting to happen... also a symptom of PTSD  for me it feels like I'm  going underwater and talking to someone from a distance even though they might be right next to me ...
Impulsivity..well i don't go off and shag anything that walks but i do reckless things i might go drink or just do something that someone else would be able to clearly identify as a bad idea...i only realize it was a bad idea AFTER I've  done it ...but I'm working on that one ....
intense anger..errmm yes but i don't get into fist fights or go round bashing people in general..it all goes inward..because i was taught that its not ok to get angry ever....
unstable relationships..yes totally guilty of seeing either all good or all bad ...it does cause me heartache and....
chronic feelings of emptiness..because i shut everyone out  because...
my belief that every one will abandon me   (frantic and terrified at times)
and experiencing chronic emptiness and lack of meaningful friendships  leads to depression which leads to suicidal thoughts and things get very nerve racking ..

so  how did this develop and whats with the PTSD ...i'll let you know next time i feel like posting...