friends

Its been on my mind ..since i have struggled all my life to have friends and keep them ...

why is it so hard to be a good friend and have friends..well for me i think my disorder has a lot to answer for..

I hate letting people close ..I loathe to let anyone in because invariably with my super sensitivity to criticism i dump and run ...an instinct an urge that i have followed all my life so far i am driven to protect myself from the searing pain and outright terror..of being rejected not seen good enough or too much ..too loud too BLAH ..
anyway i have started to look at things differently now as things are so different for me now..i don't really have to worry about losing friends as they are gone ...that's the trouble when you are honest ..you see when I found out I had PTSD and BPD I told my friends...I have 1 left now...

that's right a friend BFF (ha her words) said.."people that talk about suicide NEVER do it."...."YOUR not going to cry are you???"

My sister.."oh yeah i know this chick at work shes a depressed freak too"

another.".you don't have that YOU ARE NORMAL"

"lots of people grew up with a background like yours and they are okay.".."oh i haven't seen you for a few weeks i thought you had been taken to the nut house"....

and others well who knows and quite frankly I've had the shit kicked out of me this year ..

what i do know now is that I don't care if I just have one or two friends, what matters to me is that they are supportive,caring,understanding and i don't have to hide who I am and that I suffer from a serious mental illness..one that has come about simply because i was born sensitive and born into a family that was abusive.

people need to stop being arseholes too.I may have issues but i know i am a good ,caring,and supportive friend.

finding things tough..a well earned bitch and moan

I,ve had a strange two weeks....

I feel like i have dropped off the face of the earth..I'm disconnected and to be honest i don't think i mind to much..Every-time i pop back into reality..it just hurts

All i can see are failed friendships,loss,death and a huge looming future of segregation,stigma,self loathing,fighting ,struggling,willing myself to keep getting up everyday....FOR WHAT!!

I,m angry,sad,frustrated and quite frankly just fucking over it all

It is a very hard place to be in finding out the foundation beliefs in your life the ones that comfort and you hold dear are complete bullshit..gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What do i mean...

Well apparently its perfectly OK to cry and let others see you are hurt... NEWS to ME
I was taught time and time again by various people to cry in front of people is a risk not worth taking and that people will use it against you laugh at you belittle you or tell you that you imagined the hurt in the first place...or that you are simply a complete fucking pussy and should harden up and just cope like normal people do.

Its also OK to say you are angry..REALLY ???
not in my home it wasn't you would get a smack in the head or told you had no right to be angry that actually it was your fault *said incident even happened and that you should just be dam grateful that anybody even spoke to you..

oh and you belong YOU BELONG!! really REALLY i don't believe i fit in this world ..i never have,I,m always too loud ,to quiet,swears to much,speaks my mind too much,always says the wrong thing at the wrong time....

anyway next time I,m going to challenge those things that have been biting my ass..right now the lawn needs mowing.......