friends

Its been on my mind ..since i have struggled all my life to have friends and keep them ...

why is it so hard to be a good friend and have friends..well for me i think my disorder has a lot to answer for..

I hate letting people close ..I loathe to let anyone in because invariably with my super sensitivity to criticism i dump and run ...an instinct an urge that i have followed all my life so far i am driven to protect myself from the searing pain and outright terror..of being rejected not seen good enough or too much ..too loud too BLAH ..
anyway i have started to look at things differently now as things are so different for me now..i don't really have to worry about losing friends as they are gone ...that's the trouble when you are honest ..you see when I found out I had PTSD and BPD I told my friends...I have 1 left now...

that's right a friend BFF (ha her words) said.."people that talk about suicide NEVER do it."...."YOUR not going to cry are you???"

My sister.."oh yeah i know this chick at work shes a depressed freak too"

another.".you don't have that YOU ARE NORMAL"

"lots of people grew up with a background like yours and they are okay.".."oh i haven't seen you for a few weeks i thought you had been taken to the nut house"....

and others well who knows and quite frankly I've had the shit kicked out of me this year ..

what i do know now is that I don't care if I just have one or two friends, what matters to me is that they are supportive,caring,understanding and i don't have to hide who I am and that I suffer from a serious mental illness..one that has come about simply because i was born sensitive and born into a family that was abusive.

people need to stop being arseholes too.I may have issues but i know i am a good ,caring,and supportive friend.