So how did i end up with Post traumatic stress disorder did i fight in Nam nope...but as a child i lived in a war zone of sorts..and it only got worse as i got older ...and how did BPD develop ..well to start with apparently i was born with an emotion sensitivity that i cant help at all it just is...but where i ran into problems is how i grew up ...i share my story and write this blog a) for me its cathartic and b) I hope anyone searching for answers finds some like did when i was desperate for answers...
I grew up in a remote rural location, a very small local school..I am the youngest in my family..
My dad a raving alcoholic,My mother deadly against any alcohol/drugs ..
MY dad was not a kind man he punished my brother and sisters a lot,I was witness to arms being twisted behind their backs ,hit with things,things thrown at them,bullied and occasional fists in the face.I was daddies girl..i was often asked if i had done something and i would often say yes just so my sister or brother didn't get it...he made my sister terrified of the dark....love was only given if you were doing exactly as you were told ..if you didn't do well at something you were deemed no good..and the constant put downs ..and it was not advised to get angry, I saw what happened to my brother and sisters if you did...and don't cry EVER..your life would be made hell if you did with the constant.".what a sook"..".well you shouldn't be so.."...
MY mother..an emotionally abused child herself and now in a mentally abusive relationship..I firmly believe my mother suffers from BPD herself so i try not to hold things against her but i do wish she has left my dad.
I used to dread my mother going away every year for three weeks holiday..we were left with dad who was drunk every evening and took us for wild motorbike rides through the farm drunk and we ate the same thing every night for three weeks ...
I was always scared..dad had friends over all drinking(someone usually had a punch up ) ..scared,dad getting home from the pub(someone usually got yelled/hit ..scared..dad yelling scared...dad hitting,yelling,threatening scared..dad talking softly cajoling scared...being made to kiss drunk uncles goodnight scared...
Not exactly a great start and all that before the age of 10...
I don't hate my dad he passed away from cancer a few years back recon any wrong doings he did he got paid back in an awful way and hope he rests in peace now....to be continued...
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