grief sucks

for the past few months i have had the waves of grief hit me,random times a sound a song a laugh

they are not the nice waves that everyone says surf ride the wave blah blah blah

They are tidal waves that crash in ..

obliterating my ability to think ,feel and be in this world

at the end of a moment in time im wrung out flatten to the floor choking back bile gasping for air tears that wont come until my throat has burnt itself...

and then the tears come ..what a god dammed mess

i,m tired.

i have had to make some choices that i never wanted to make,

break promise i wanted to keep.

give me a fucking break im doing the best i can.

i hate grief, i hate loss i hate the hollowness that follows.

Im told that this gets better and that its gets easier..i hope so.

life saving stuff

in some places the world its suicide prevention week ..... and i want to share my thought about it so a TW is in place (trigger warning ) just in-case you are feeling sensitive today...

Lots of people struggle with the thought of taking their own life ...just lots of people keep it to themselves and unfortunately some  go ahead and take their life..
WHY???

SHAME,isolation, guilt,self loathing...crippling self hatred a lack of self compassion...dissociation,alcohol and or drug abuse..mental suffering...sometimes the way a persons family is ..or how society views mental illness ,stigma about mental health...

What do i have to say and how would i know anything of relevance..I've been at rock bottom i know what happens to a persons head that is contemplating suicide ..

signs you need help..

sleeping too much/little..you are constantly tired so tired you could sleep for a hundred years.
you don't want to be with anyone,talk to anyone,you cry all the time,there is nothing in life you want anymore its all too hard...your thoughts are dark and brooding,you have plans..you are harsh in the way you speak to yourself,thinking about death a lot,
you are anxious and have a sense of foreboding that wont lift
you feel fake ,worthless,the world would be better of without you,everything is your fault
you don't feel safe or trust yourself,your mind is racing,or your have gone strangely calm and everything seems so logical..

How do you get help when its so cripplingly painful ..Step by step call a help line,get in your car drive to a hospital the drs if this means,have a cuppa,get in car,drive,sit,walk in, speak say you need help,write down what you want to say if you need to...you are worth it you deserve help..take action  NO-ONE should suffer in mental pain....remember it doesn't matter how rich/poor attractive/not so attractive popular unpopular when it comes to depression and mental suffering its not popularity contest and if you do nothing..all that will be left is another sad shitty statistic...you do not have to go through how you feel on your own..

PTSD meet BPD *TW trigger warning part one

So how did i end up with Post traumatic stress disorder did i fight in  Nam  nope...but as a child i lived in a war zone of sorts..and it only got worse as i got older ...and how did BPD develop ..well to start with apparently i was born with an emotion sensitivity that i cant help at all it just is...but where i ran into problems is how i grew up ...i share my story and write this blog  a) for me its cathartic and b) I hope anyone searching for answers finds some like  did when i was desperate for answers...

I grew up in a remote rural location, a very small local school..I am the youngest in my family..
My dad a raving alcoholic,My mother deadly against any alcohol/drugs ..

MY dad was not a kind man he punished my brother and sisters a lot,I was witness to arms being twisted behind their backs ,hit with things,things thrown at them,bullied and occasional fists in the face.I was daddies girl..i was often asked if i had done something and i would often say yes just so my sister or brother didn't get it...he made my sister terrified of the dark....love was only given if you were doing exactly as you were told ..if you didn't do well at something you were deemed no good..and the constant put downs ..and it was not advised to get angry, I  saw what happened to my brother and sisters if you did...and don't cry EVER..your life would be made hell if you did with the constant.".what a sook"..".well you shouldn't  be so.."...

MY mother..an emotionally abused child herself and now in a mentally abusive relationship..I firmly believe my mother suffers from BPD herself so i try not to hold things against her but i do wish she has left my dad.
I used to dread my mother going away every year for three weeks holiday..we were left with dad who was drunk every evening and took us for wild motorbike rides through the farm drunk and we ate the same thing every night for three weeks ...

I was always scared..dad had friends over all drinking(someone usually had a punch up ) ..scared,dad getting home from the pub(someone usually got yelled/hit ..scared..dad yelling scared...dad hitting,yelling,threatening scared..dad talking softly cajoling scared...being made to kiss drunk uncles goodnight scared...

Not exactly a great start and all that before the age of 10...

I don't hate my dad  he passed away from cancer a few years back recon any wrong doings he did he got paid back in an awful way and hope he rests in peace now....to be continued...