so off into the big blue yonder i went with my lovely love of my life....
**** controlled what i did ..where i went,whom i spoke to as i found out he did not like it if i did things without checking it was OK first...
If say i babysat for friends of his without checking it was OK...apparently i was a selfish bitch who didn't care about him and only thought of myself (not that i just wanted to do something kind for one of his friends and that i thought he,d be happy about it )
****cheated on me with probably many girls i knew of two..
It was an intense relationship where i was constantly made to feel wrong..he physically choked me one night after drinking ,then completely denied doing it the next day and refused to speak of it,and me being a complete doormat let him get away with it.
He left me for my so called best friend in the end... he was having sex with her in the room next door to me while i was passed out dam near dead for alcohol poisoning..after drinking half a bottle of Malibu and southern comfort mixed with a joint (which i hadn't smoked before )..no one called me an ambulance i was out cold for two days and had tried climbing the walls there were FOUR people in that house and no one helped me.
He told his parents he had put my head threw a glass window..i was there it was the dog and it had been an accident.
He laughed his ass off at me when he saw me crying..
His parting words to me were..
"get an attitude""i did everything to you to see how far you would fall..."it was just a game...
and then he waltz off into the sunset without a care in the world with my ex best friend hand in hand.....
its been over 20yrs and its only this year i have remembered all of this...no wonder im so fucked up.
Sunday 19 October 2014
ptsd part 3 trigger warning
So here i am ..fresh out of school and starting a course to gain qualifications....
Im going to church and trying to find a better way to be..
When i meet **** he is on the course i am on ..he flirts,he acts strange around me,he is very interested in the fact im a christian...I quite liked him he was a little weird but HE liked ME...
he pursued me..i wasn't sure i had briefly seen other people but i was shy and apparently in my day guys didn't find virgins attractive..(yes i got dumped because of this )
The course was over and i was a bit lost **** called me out of the blue and told me how much he liked me
I thought that was great and was really flattered no one had ever told me i was pretty,or made me feel special in any way..in other words i was a gonner...
**** parents were also Christians and so we went back and fourth between both my church and their church..the one problem being that **** really had a problem he smoked tons of pot ,drank and did what he wanted...I really cared about him and wanted to stay with him no matter what..lets face it my home life was way worse ..my sister was pregnant at 17 so dad was on the war path it was safer not to be at home ..why would i stay at home to watch my sister get bailed up and threatened while pregnant ..
I was absolutely besotted with **** his shit didnt stink i did anything he said without questioning him(bar sex)..i was accused of having sex with him by church members ..which broke my heart ..because i wasnt..and when i told them they chose not to believe me,they also told me my home life wasn't as bad as i made out ,that i was being dramatic...so fuck church and god
off i went with **** into the big blue yonder ,sex yep why not,booze yep sure why not,bit of pot sure why not...
to be continued.....
Im going to church and trying to find a better way to be..
When i meet **** he is on the course i am on ..he flirts,he acts strange around me,he is very interested in the fact im a christian...I quite liked him he was a little weird but HE liked ME...
he pursued me..i wasn't sure i had briefly seen other people but i was shy and apparently in my day guys didn't find virgins attractive..(yes i got dumped because of this )
The course was over and i was a bit lost **** called me out of the blue and told me how much he liked me
I thought that was great and was really flattered no one had ever told me i was pretty,or made me feel special in any way..in other words i was a gonner...
**** parents were also Christians and so we went back and fourth between both my church and their church..the one problem being that **** really had a problem he smoked tons of pot ,drank and did what he wanted...I really cared about him and wanted to stay with him no matter what..lets face it my home life was way worse ..my sister was pregnant at 17 so dad was on the war path it was safer not to be at home ..why would i stay at home to watch my sister get bailed up and threatened while pregnant ..
I was absolutely besotted with **** his shit didnt stink i did anything he said without questioning him(bar sex)..i was accused of having sex with him by church members ..which broke my heart ..because i wasnt..and when i told them they chose not to believe me,they also told me my home life wasn't as bad as i made out ,that i was being dramatic...so fuck church and god
off i went with **** into the big blue yonder ,sex yep why not,booze yep sure why not,bit of pot sure why not...
to be continued.....
ptsd continued part 2 trigger warning
My family packed up and left the sticks when i was 11,we moved to town arrg that was a journey in itself..
we moved to a very busy street and not in the best area of town..i was terrified at night i constantly dreamt of being attacked,probably due to the 17 odd burglaries on our street..
well my dad was still a raving alcoholic and my mother still pretending everything was just dandy..
somehow i survived school for the first two years after moving into town i think i was just so numb i didnt feel anything....
Then i hit my teenage year ..i had my first brush with alcohol at 13 big deal i,d been smoking since i was 6yrs old.. all that was said when i vomited was "haha that will teach you"....yes it did ..slow down you will still get drunk off your arse...
so my teenage years are a bit of a blur i was a quiet teen who spent lots of time hanging with her brother quietly getting drunk go home pass out and no one noticed...
I had very few friends due to the fact i could not have friends over to my home because dad would be plastered and run me down telling my friends how stupid,fat and ugly i was.
school had become a nightmare my brother had fucked up and was in the shit with the law ..apparently THAT was my fault as well...and i was in class with others that were involved so i was mocked and ridiculed simply because i was related...only to get home to be bailed up in a corner question by the gestapo (commonly known as my parents )what did i know? how long had i known ?why was nothing said ?,how could you.if only you had said ...your brother wouldn't be in so much trouble...........
meanwhile i have decided somewhere in the madness of my family that i should become a christian..so i start to go to youth group....well what i giant bloody mistake that was....
i go to youth group i dont fit in all the other young teens come from "clean backgrounds" never dealt with half the crap i had ..but i push on with the hope of a better life..
I meet my first ever boyfriend....not a crush a real boy...shits going to go real down hill real fast from here...
we moved to a very busy street and not in the best area of town..i was terrified at night i constantly dreamt of being attacked,probably due to the 17 odd burglaries on our street..
well my dad was still a raving alcoholic and my mother still pretending everything was just dandy..
somehow i survived school for the first two years after moving into town i think i was just so numb i didnt feel anything....
Then i hit my teenage year ..i had my first brush with alcohol at 13 big deal i,d been smoking since i was 6yrs old.. all that was said when i vomited was "haha that will teach you"....yes it did ..slow down you will still get drunk off your arse...
so my teenage years are a bit of a blur i was a quiet teen who spent lots of time hanging with her brother quietly getting drunk go home pass out and no one noticed...
I had very few friends due to the fact i could not have friends over to my home because dad would be plastered and run me down telling my friends how stupid,fat and ugly i was.
school had become a nightmare my brother had fucked up and was in the shit with the law ..apparently THAT was my fault as well...and i was in class with others that were involved so i was mocked and ridiculed simply because i was related...only to get home to be bailed up in a corner question by the gestapo (commonly known as my parents )what did i know? how long had i known ?why was nothing said ?,how could you.if only you had said ...your brother wouldn't be in so much trouble...........
meanwhile i have decided somewhere in the madness of my family that i should become a christian..so i start to go to youth group....well what i giant bloody mistake that was....
i go to youth group i dont fit in all the other young teens come from "clean backgrounds" never dealt with half the crap i had ..but i push on with the hope of a better life..
I meet my first ever boyfriend....not a crush a real boy...shits going to go real down hill real fast from here...
Wednesday 15 October 2014
self validation feelings ugh!
i learnt some important stuff the last few weeks ..things i have never heard before ...
something i hadn't been able to do but am now starting to do and its dam hard..
what is self validation? these couple of paragraphs made me really cry and become very frustrated all at once..so you could say it was triggering ... but worth the time..
self validation..
*when you are quietly able to acknowledge your emotions and reassure yourself what you feel inside is REAL,is IMPORTANT,UNDERSTANDABLE and makes sense...(bomb one dropped)
*it includes taking yourself SERIOUSLY,allowing yourself to feel what you feel (first emotion)think what you think,want what you want with ACCEPTANCE,and without judgements ,second guessing,self loathing ,self contempt....(bomb two complete)
that's the first time i have read my feelings are real,important ..
i broke down in tears and became so frustrated ...ive been lied to all my life..bastards!!
i was taught from a young age my feelings were not important,that i was imagining things ..that they were not real...
your not hungry i just fed you... stop crying, that didn't hurt,I've been told things I've seen in others doesn't exist and that my own depression is just a figment of my imagination ...that i shouldn't get anxious i should just not worry!! well fuck you!!(yes getting a little frustrated even writing this )but then that's understandable when you see how hard it is for me to take my own feelings seriously..after being denied my own voice for so long ... its a work in progress one day at a time and mini steps in the right direction....
something i hadn't been able to do but am now starting to do and its dam hard..
what is self validation? these couple of paragraphs made me really cry and become very frustrated all at once..so you could say it was triggering ... but worth the time..
self validation..
*when you are quietly able to acknowledge your emotions and reassure yourself what you feel inside is REAL,is IMPORTANT,UNDERSTANDABLE and makes sense...(bomb one dropped)
*it includes taking yourself SERIOUSLY,allowing yourself to feel what you feel (first emotion)think what you think,want what you want with ACCEPTANCE,and without judgements ,second guessing,self loathing ,self contempt....(bomb two complete)
that's the first time i have read my feelings are real,important ..
i broke down in tears and became so frustrated ...ive been lied to all my life..bastards!!
i was taught from a young age my feelings were not important,that i was imagining things ..that they were not real...
your not hungry i just fed you... stop crying, that didn't hurt,I've been told things I've seen in others doesn't exist and that my own depression is just a figment of my imagination ...that i shouldn't get anxious i should just not worry!! well fuck you!!(yes getting a little frustrated even writing this )but then that's understandable when you see how hard it is for me to take my own feelings seriously..after being denied my own voice for so long ... its a work in progress one day at a time and mini steps in the right direction....
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