Triggers

Good lord the last few weeks have been hard ,hence not posting much just trying to keep afloat ,work stress,money stress,friend stress TOO much stress and slowly progressing to not going to therapy as im doing well....its been a week of SHE SAID WHAT!!and Oh fuck i,m going to cry (imagine a gunman next to you every time you think you are going to cry and you get an inkling of what that feels like for me ) having learnt this week that just because i,m am polite say things in the right tone in the right manner it doesn't fucking matter, people still get their tits in a tango and sulk and carry on like big babies it pisses me off when I really make an effort to practice my DBT(look it up ) skills and people don't co operate!!aghhhh anyway I am still persisting with my skills even though I have to use about 5 skills to practice the one i really want to use . ..my urge is to not talk (isolate )to ignore (sulk)to cut people  off ..(sabotage)not keep in contact assume the worst and yell and blame   woohoo....worst of all this week is I know I have been triggered not just once but multiple times... it all gets too much when this happened I was so drained yesterday I really wondered what my life was about being constantly triggered sucks ..they never stop I think I know them then BAM in comes a new memory or an old one that I think im okay with comes back, I am heartily sick of being triggered this week I am going to spend time alone but not because I don't like people its because I like them and I don't want to be angry at them because of something that happened years ago they are just sadly pushing a bomb trigger :(...any way that's my bit of a rant so what am i doing to help lower my stress ...

well actually i stood up for myself and did it with good firm polite manners so suck it!..and i also am making sure i eat well...sleeping ok i have slowly weaned myself down to 4 coffees a day miracle there!spending some time in the garden...being okay with myself if i need to have a cry not scolding myself for this,allowing myself to miss a friend ..accepting that sometimes people just don't

get it and that life sometime just isn't fair and that its okay to be a bit pissed off oh and one thing i really wish is that if i have to practice the say in the pic then so should everyone else.....

I have a secret...I have a troll...Well actually a couple..

EVER get a voice in your head that says "you cant do that' you cant do this it will never work ,you are doomed to fail etc

Well i have a troll It comes out whenever i try to make new friends,try new things,try to express myself (in fact i can hear it muttering now)it comes out when i go to bed at night whenever i make a mistake,dare to care about something,when i am suffering from an anxiety attack or I,m in a group or when I,m alone and feel depressed...

WOW she really is nuts...OK hang on i will explain how it works and now what i do differently and how now i have learnt to shut the troll down  and change an upset emotion to an amused at ease one :)

In my life living with PTSD Post traumatic stress disorder and BPD borderline personality disorder,there are many things a troll can have fun with and up till now I haven't stood much chance...but now I know I have a disorder or two I know whats going on.

meeting new people TROLL out "you dont belong"you are fat ugly,stupid,an idiot etc
going to bed at night..TROLL out.."remember when you,you cried you sooky  bubba,How dare you care,YOU stupid idiot,you are so dumb you are a mistake ,nobody loves you ,you will never be enough.....


Ok,ok,ok  shakes troll off instead of getting into long sniveling debates with this troll ...what I do now is a simply picture a box i pick up said troll launch into box lid on and if so much as a peep i hear outta  box i take lid of and imagine a gag a pretty one with butterfly's and gross girly things on it and put lid back on ...the more annoying the troll the more humiliating things i will imagine ie make it sing Bruno mars..wear pig tails have on really girly perfume...hum positive songs make it wear silly hats etc

this is called diffusion and if that all fails to make me laugh then imagine troll saying all that stuff as daffy duck never fails to make me laugh and therefore i have effectively created troll diffusion spray  think i will call myself dr Quazy today ... ;)think about how you could use and idea like this to help yourself.

having no filter...

Sucks to be me at times..I have this problem of not thinking though consequences ..(not so much now) but this has been a problem in my life and one I am slowly learning to address..

You see in my life I have a mother who like me has this problem of not filtering out your brains general thoughts and I am sure lots of people have these thoughts THEY JUST DON'T BLURT THEM OUT!!!...

In my life this no filter approach has cost me ..sometimes I have been unaware of the cost..today I am aware of the cost my lack of thought has caused harm..and pain to others and for this I am greatly ashamed and my only sad but true excuse is that i simply didn't know...

I have seen this quote and never really got it until now I cant tell you how much I wish that I had understood this earlier,I really did believe that if it was true then its ok to say..I completely forgot the rest..I now tend to go and be guided by the last two statements in the quote...and you know what i find that i can be proud and have self respect because i am learning some impulse control...that is always a good thing. 

you are not wanted...

This ones is for parents...

Think about what you say to your children should you be lucky enough to have them...


Your child might not have been planned....but do you really need to tell your child that?Do you need to tell all that child's siblings as well....Is it really necessary that you tell your child every gory detail of how they were not planned they were a mistake,that you and your other parent argued over who,s fault is what that you were going to be born..... because what is said repetitively to a child..becomes an adult one day with some really fucked up mummy and daddy issues....

i was not planned
a mistake
result of drunk parents
an accident
a nuisance
unwanted
a burden
a vehicle to punish the other parent...

I did not ask to be born ....IF you don't want *accidental children* don't have sex,or wear a condom,use the pill and other contraception...i relate to the song posted....

existing

Its been another tough couple of weeks and when its like that i stick my head in the sand ..well actually I put my headphones on and shut everyone and everything out...I'm getting better at coming back out thou..


Sometimes with BPD and PTSD it can feel to me like i don't exist, I want to give you and example and some explanation as to what this looks like for me, please keep in  mind that some of this may seem ridiculous and very sensitive sally..tough luck because i am sensitive but this all makes sense to me now so hopefully it will to you and give you a little piece of insight as to what BPD and PTSD can feel like at times..

In a day some things that can happen to me which will turn a switch and I,m in BPD and PTSD mode.
I,m driving to work and a car will pull out directly in front of me...I stop to full up with gas at the station not only does the chap inside take FOREVER to let the pump work but some man pushes past me and gets served first..i get to work and staff who know me call me by someone else s  name and then the boss comes in and hands us work info with my name spelt wrong.....i then am trying to talk to my friend and her phone bleeps and she is reading a text while i am talking....a work colleague comes to ask information from me i answer and that same work colleague asks the same question to another person and they answer the same as me and then that work colleague is satisfied...    now some of that or maybe most of that does not seem like a big deal but then tack on how i was bought up and some life experiences and BOOM i am flashing back to multiple times i have been ignored ,the reality of no photos of me as a child ,multiple times i was called ***sister(not my own name  just my sisters name )multiple times my own name was

spelt wrong ..times with my ex partner where i said something it was ignored and his dad said the exact same thing and it was received like it had never been heard before.....being pulled out in front of in traffic scares the bejesus out of me ,my thoughts always scream out AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE!!!and in a day where lots of things may have been triggered..my body then goes numb and i cant feel if i am real..I literally feel like i have disappeared like i am fog just floating around..it can be and awful feeling when its stays for a long time so i have had to learn how to "ground myself" i do this by checking my five senses,smell,taste,touch,hear,see..sometimes if i am at home i will wrap a blanket around me...or have a really hot shower.....the biggest trigger has got to be people not listening because its a first class way of making someone feel like they are not there,that what they have to say is not important,that your not worth anything..you don't exist.....