existing

Its been another tough couple of weeks and when its like that i stick my head in the sand ..well actually I put my headphones on and shut everyone and everything out...I'm getting better at coming back out thou..


Sometimes with BPD and PTSD it can feel to me like i don't exist, I want to give you and example and some explanation as to what this looks like for me, please keep in  mind that some of this may seem ridiculous and very sensitive sally..tough luck because i am sensitive but this all makes sense to me now so hopefully it will to you and give you a little piece of insight as to what BPD and PTSD can feel like at times..

In a day some things that can happen to me which will turn a switch and I,m in BPD and PTSD mode.
I,m driving to work and a car will pull out directly in front of me...I stop to full up with gas at the station not only does the chap inside take FOREVER to let the pump work but some man pushes past me and gets served first..i get to work and staff who know me call me by someone else s  name and then the boss comes in and hands us work info with my name spelt wrong.....i then am trying to talk to my friend and her phone bleeps and she is reading a text while i am talking....a work colleague comes to ask information from me i answer and that same work colleague asks the same question to another person and they answer the same as me and then that work colleague is satisfied...    now some of that or maybe most of that does not seem like a big deal but then tack on how i was bought up and some life experiences and BOOM i am flashing back to multiple times i have been ignored ,the reality of no photos of me as a child ,multiple times i was called ***sister(not my own name  just my sisters name )multiple times my own name was

spelt wrong ..times with my ex partner where i said something it was ignored and his dad said the exact same thing and it was received like it had never been heard before.....being pulled out in front of in traffic scares the bejesus out of me ,my thoughts always scream out AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE!!!and in a day where lots of things may have been triggered..my body then goes numb and i cant feel if i am real..I literally feel like i have disappeared like i am fog just floating around..it can be and awful feeling when its stays for a long time so i have had to learn how to "ground myself" i do this by checking my five senses,smell,taste,touch,hear,see..sometimes if i am at home i will wrap a blanket around me...or have a really hot shower.....the biggest trigger has got to be people not listening because its a first class way of making someone feel like they are not there,that what they have to say is not important,that your not worth anything..you don't exist.....

ptsd flashback childhood ...triggers warning

As I often do I was listening to music ..and flicked onto one of my favorite songs of the moment...
I could feel myself getting  into the song  and then ..i just started to see the countless times that as a
child i had been very lucky to escape being seriously sexually abused as a child, and I can tell you they were very close calls and truly by sheer luck that it didn't happen until older (sadly)..my skin  and body still shudders and creeps out at things that i guess some people don't think twice about...

I,m not to fond of hugging i don't know what i,m supposed to do and i go on high alert,having to walk past others drinking is a nightmare i become very cold and unapproachable...and that smell of stale beer ..yerkkkk

The things i can now remember are being left with my brothers male friends,being left outside the local pub alone...being made to kiss drunk uncles and not necessarily related uncles goodnight...YUCK!
old men from the pub trying to kiss the little girl on their way out of the pub...brothers mates thinking its a good idea to play spin the bottle with a mere 7 yr old..all I can say is that these were truly terrifying events I hate my smelly uncles,I hated that dam pub and all I wanted was my parents..one in the pub and god knows where my mother was....

All i can say as a child who was lucky to escape certain parts of abuse..i didn't escape all ..emotional and mental abuse and neglect are bad enough thanks... is KNOW your children,be there ,be approachable,be willing to take the time to know who your child's friends are and who they hang with and keep any drunk uncles and aunty from slobbering on your child.

welcome to black and white thinking its all or nothing...get in get out...drown or swim

Its been a tough month,Christmas/DEC is not my favorite time of year ..it reminds me my family suck ..there are five of us still living and do ya think we can get together and share a nice "family time" errr nope we are spread out and the "joy " of Christmas is sadly lacking...besides i hate Christmas.. i dont like being reminded  that for the most part i am alone. Anyway with  that said i wish to explain some of my ability in powers of black and white thinking its quite embarrassing at times...


So currently i am in therapy  and often the problem that pops up for me is my extreme thinking ..finding a middle ground  i never knew such a thing existed..

here's  a couple of basic examples of what goes on ...

Its ALL my fault,No-one could EVER love me...NO-ONE cares...EVERYONE hates me

and for me I find it very disturbing to find out there is actually a different way of thinking a more balanced way to see things..i feel the ground shift from under me every-time it happens and i get frustrated and pissed off its like finding out Santa not real(dammit sorry kids)  or your most favorite actor or singer is a complete twat..and it makes me sad because i see things in this way due to my life experiences,and whats worse is that because of how i grew up i often feel very ashamed and stupid for not seeing  a certain view i have or had is simply the extreme and not necessarily true and I flick to another extreme of shutting down..gahhh so then i,m invalidating my own feelings ...SHIT!!!make it stop i wanna get off the ride....its making me sick..

the good news is I am able to recognize that im on the merry go round(HUGE PROGRESS) and i can stop it simply by challenging one detail...    like this ...

EVERY ONE hates me...challenge.. well my friend ***** doesent hate me so that's not everyone...some people may hate me and that's ok

friends

Its been on my mind ..since i have struggled all my life to have friends and keep them ...

why is it so hard to be a good friend and have friends..well for me i think my disorder has a lot to answer for..

I hate letting people close ..I loathe to let anyone in because invariably with my super sensitivity to criticism i dump and run ...an instinct an urge that i have followed all my life so far i am driven to protect myself from the searing pain and outright terror..of being rejected not seen good enough or too much ..too loud too BLAH ..
anyway i have started to look at things differently now as things are so different for me now..i don't really have to worry about losing friends as they are gone ...that's the trouble when you are honest ..you see when I found out I had PTSD and BPD I told my friends...I have 1 left now...

that's right a friend BFF (ha her words) said.."people that talk about suicide NEVER do it."...."YOUR not going to cry are you???"

My sister.."oh yeah i know this chick at work shes a depressed freak too"

another.".you don't have that YOU ARE NORMAL"

"lots of people grew up with a background like yours and they are okay.".."oh i haven't seen you for a few weeks i thought you had been taken to the nut house"....

and others well who knows and quite frankly I've had the shit kicked out of me this year ..

what i do know now is that I don't care if I just have one or two friends, what matters to me is that they are supportive,caring,understanding and i don't have to hide who I am and that I suffer from a serious mental illness..one that has come about simply because i was born sensitive and born into a family that was abusive.

people need to stop being arseholes too.I may have issues but i know i am a good ,caring,and supportive friend.

finding things tough..a well earned bitch and moan

I,ve had a strange two weeks....

I feel like i have dropped off the face of the earth..I'm disconnected and to be honest i don't think i mind to much..Every-time i pop back into reality..it just hurts

All i can see are failed friendships,loss,death and a huge looming future of segregation,stigma,self loathing,fighting ,struggling,willing myself to keep getting up everyday....FOR WHAT!!

I,m angry,sad,frustrated and quite frankly just fucking over it all

It is a very hard place to be in finding out the foundation beliefs in your life the ones that comfort and you hold dear are complete bullshit..gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What do i mean...

Well apparently its perfectly OK to cry and let others see you are hurt... NEWS to ME
I was taught time and time again by various people to cry in front of people is a risk not worth taking and that people will use it against you laugh at you belittle you or tell you that you imagined the hurt in the first place...or that you are simply a complete fucking pussy and should harden up and just cope like normal people do.

Its also OK to say you are angry..REALLY ???
not in my home it wasn't you would get a smack in the head or told you had no right to be angry that actually it was your fault *said incident even happened and that you should just be dam grateful that anybody even spoke to you..

oh and you belong YOU BELONG!! really REALLY i don't believe i fit in this world ..i never have,I,m always too loud ,to quiet,swears to much,speaks my mind too much,always says the wrong thing at the wrong time....

anyway next time I,m going to challenge those things that have been biting my ass..right now the lawn needs mowing.......

ptsd part3 continued trigger warning

so off into the big blue yonder i went with my lovely love of my life....

**** controlled what i did ..where i went,whom i spoke to as i found out he did not like it if i did things without checking it was OK first...

If say i babysat for friends of his without checking it was OK...apparently i was a selfish bitch who didn't care about him and only thought of myself (not that i just wanted to do something kind for one of his friends and that i thought he,d be happy about it )

****cheated on me with probably many girls i knew of two..

It was an intense relationship where i was constantly made to feel wrong..he physically choked me one night after drinking ,then completely denied doing it the next day and refused to speak of it,and me being a complete doormat let him get away with it.

He left me for my so called best friend in the end... he was having sex with her in the room next door to me while i was passed out dam near dead for alcohol poisoning..after drinking half a bottle of Malibu and southern comfort mixed with a joint (which i hadn't smoked before )..no one called me an ambulance i was out cold for two days and had tried climbing the walls there were FOUR people in that house and no one helped me.
He told his parents he had put my head threw a glass window..i was there    it was the dog and it had been an accident.

He laughed his  ass off at me when he saw me crying..

His parting words to me were..
"get an attitude""i did everything to you to see how far you would fall..."it was just a game...

and then he waltz off into the sunset without a care in the world with my ex best friend hand in hand.....

its been over 20yrs and its only this year i have remembered  all of this...no wonder im so fucked up.

ptsd part 3 trigger warning

So here i am ..fresh out of school and starting a course to gain qualifications....
Im going to church and trying to find a better way to be..

When i meet **** he is on the course i am on ..he flirts,he acts strange around me,he is very interested in the fact im a christian...I quite liked him he was a little weird but HE liked ME...

he pursued me..i wasn't sure  i had briefly seen other people but i was shy and apparently in my day guys didn't find virgins attractive..(yes i got dumped because of this )

The course was over and i was a bit lost  **** called me out of the blue and told me how much he liked me
I thought that was great and was really flattered no one had ever told me i was pretty,or made me feel special in any way..in other words i was a gonner...

**** parents were also Christians and so we went back and fourth between both my church and their church..the one problem being that **** really had a problem  he smoked tons of pot ,drank and did what he wanted...I really cared about him and wanted to stay with him no matter what..lets face it my home life was way worse ..my sister was pregnant at 17 so dad was on the war path it was safer not to be at home ..why would i stay at home to watch my sister get bailed up and threatened while pregnant ..

I was absolutely besotted with **** his shit didnt stink i did anything he said without questioning him(bar sex)..i was accused of having sex with him by church members ..which broke my heart ..because i wasnt..and when i told them they chose not to believe me,they also told me my home life wasn't as bad as i made out ,that i was being dramatic...so fuck church and god

off i went with **** into the big blue yonder ,sex yep why not,booze yep sure why not,bit of pot sure why not...

to be continued.....