ptsd flashback childhood ...triggers warning

As I often do I was listening to music ..and flicked onto one of my favorite songs of the moment...
I could feel myself getting  into the song  and then ..i just started to see the countless times that as a
child i had been very lucky to escape being seriously sexually abused as a child, and I can tell you they were very close calls and truly by sheer luck that it didn't happen until older (sadly)..my skin  and body still shudders and creeps out at things that i guess some people don't think twice about...

I,m not to fond of hugging i don't know what i,m supposed to do and i go on high alert,having to walk past others drinking is a nightmare i become very cold and unapproachable...and that smell of stale beer ..yerkkkk

The things i can now remember are being left with my brothers male friends,being left outside the local pub alone...being made to kiss drunk uncles and not necessarily related uncles goodnight...YUCK!
old men from the pub trying to kiss the little girl on their way out of the pub...brothers mates thinking its a good idea to play spin the bottle with a mere 7 yr old..all I can say is that these were truly terrifying events I hate my smelly uncles,I hated that dam pub and all I wanted was my parents..one in the pub and god knows where my mother was....

All i can say as a child who was lucky to escape certain parts of abuse..i didn't escape all ..emotional and mental abuse and neglect are bad enough thanks... is KNOW your children,be there ,be approachable,be willing to take the time to know who your child's friends are and who they hang with and keep any drunk uncles and aunty from slobbering on your child.

welcome to black and white thinking its all or nothing...get in get out...drown or swim

Its been a tough month,Christmas/DEC is not my favorite time of year ..it reminds me my family suck ..there are five of us still living and do ya think we can get together and share a nice "family time" errr nope we are spread out and the "joy " of Christmas is sadly lacking...besides i hate Christmas.. i dont like being reminded  that for the most part i am alone. Anyway with  that said i wish to explain some of my ability in powers of black and white thinking its quite embarrassing at times...


So currently i am in therapy  and often the problem that pops up for me is my extreme thinking ..finding a middle ground  i never knew such a thing existed..

here's  a couple of basic examples of what goes on ...

Its ALL my fault,No-one could EVER love me...NO-ONE cares...EVERYONE hates me

and for me I find it very disturbing to find out there is actually a different way of thinking a more balanced way to see things..i feel the ground shift from under me every-time it happens and i get frustrated and pissed off its like finding out Santa not real(dammit sorry kids)  or your most favorite actor or singer is a complete twat..and it makes me sad because i see things in this way due to my life experiences,and whats worse is that because of how i grew up i often feel very ashamed and stupid for not seeing  a certain view i have or had is simply the extreme and not necessarily true and I flick to another extreme of shutting down..gahhh so then i,m invalidating my own feelings ...SHIT!!!make it stop i wanna get off the ride....its making me sick..

the good news is I am able to recognize that im on the merry go round(HUGE PROGRESS) and i can stop it simply by challenging one detail...    like this ...

EVERY ONE hates me...challenge.. well my friend ***** doesent hate me so that's not everyone...some people may hate me and that's ok

friends

Its been on my mind ..since i have struggled all my life to have friends and keep them ...

why is it so hard to be a good friend and have friends..well for me i think my disorder has a lot to answer for..

I hate letting people close ..I loathe to let anyone in because invariably with my super sensitivity to criticism i dump and run ...an instinct an urge that i have followed all my life so far i am driven to protect myself from the searing pain and outright terror..of being rejected not seen good enough or too much ..too loud too BLAH ..
anyway i have started to look at things differently now as things are so different for me now..i don't really have to worry about losing friends as they are gone ...that's the trouble when you are honest ..you see when I found out I had PTSD and BPD I told my friends...I have 1 left now...

that's right a friend BFF (ha her words) said.."people that talk about suicide NEVER do it."...."YOUR not going to cry are you???"

My sister.."oh yeah i know this chick at work shes a depressed freak too"

another.".you don't have that YOU ARE NORMAL"

"lots of people grew up with a background like yours and they are okay.".."oh i haven't seen you for a few weeks i thought you had been taken to the nut house"....

and others well who knows and quite frankly I've had the shit kicked out of me this year ..

what i do know now is that I don't care if I just have one or two friends, what matters to me is that they are supportive,caring,understanding and i don't have to hide who I am and that I suffer from a serious mental illness..one that has come about simply because i was born sensitive and born into a family that was abusive.

people need to stop being arseholes too.I may have issues but i know i am a good ,caring,and supportive friend.

finding things tough..a well earned bitch and moan

I,ve had a strange two weeks....

I feel like i have dropped off the face of the earth..I'm disconnected and to be honest i don't think i mind to much..Every-time i pop back into reality..it just hurts

All i can see are failed friendships,loss,death and a huge looming future of segregation,stigma,self loathing,fighting ,struggling,willing myself to keep getting up everyday....FOR WHAT!!

I,m angry,sad,frustrated and quite frankly just fucking over it all

It is a very hard place to be in finding out the foundation beliefs in your life the ones that comfort and you hold dear are complete bullshit..gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What do i mean...

Well apparently its perfectly OK to cry and let others see you are hurt... NEWS to ME
I was taught time and time again by various people to cry in front of people is a risk not worth taking and that people will use it against you laugh at you belittle you or tell you that you imagined the hurt in the first place...or that you are simply a complete fucking pussy and should harden up and just cope like normal people do.

Its also OK to say you are angry..REALLY ???
not in my home it wasn't you would get a smack in the head or told you had no right to be angry that actually it was your fault *said incident even happened and that you should just be dam grateful that anybody even spoke to you..

oh and you belong YOU BELONG!! really REALLY i don't believe i fit in this world ..i never have,I,m always too loud ,to quiet,swears to much,speaks my mind too much,always says the wrong thing at the wrong time....

anyway next time I,m going to challenge those things that have been biting my ass..right now the lawn needs mowing.......

ptsd part3 continued trigger warning

so off into the big blue yonder i went with my lovely love of my life....

**** controlled what i did ..where i went,whom i spoke to as i found out he did not like it if i did things without checking it was OK first...

If say i babysat for friends of his without checking it was OK...apparently i was a selfish bitch who didn't care about him and only thought of myself (not that i just wanted to do something kind for one of his friends and that i thought he,d be happy about it )

****cheated on me with probably many girls i knew of two..

It was an intense relationship where i was constantly made to feel wrong..he physically choked me one night after drinking ,then completely denied doing it the next day and refused to speak of it,and me being a complete doormat let him get away with it.

He left me for my so called best friend in the end... he was having sex with her in the room next door to me while i was passed out dam near dead for alcohol poisoning..after drinking half a bottle of Malibu and southern comfort mixed with a joint (which i hadn't smoked before )..no one called me an ambulance i was out cold for two days and had tried climbing the walls there were FOUR people in that house and no one helped me.
He told his parents he had put my head threw a glass window..i was there    it was the dog and it had been an accident.

He laughed his  ass off at me when he saw me crying..

His parting words to me were..
"get an attitude""i did everything to you to see how far you would fall..."it was just a game...

and then he waltz off into the sunset without a care in the world with my ex best friend hand in hand.....

its been over 20yrs and its only this year i have remembered  all of this...no wonder im so fucked up.

ptsd part 3 trigger warning

So here i am ..fresh out of school and starting a course to gain qualifications....
Im going to church and trying to find a better way to be..

When i meet **** he is on the course i am on ..he flirts,he acts strange around me,he is very interested in the fact im a christian...I quite liked him he was a little weird but HE liked ME...

he pursued me..i wasn't sure  i had briefly seen other people but i was shy and apparently in my day guys didn't find virgins attractive..(yes i got dumped because of this )

The course was over and i was a bit lost  **** called me out of the blue and told me how much he liked me
I thought that was great and was really flattered no one had ever told me i was pretty,or made me feel special in any way..in other words i was a gonner...

**** parents were also Christians and so we went back and fourth between both my church and their church..the one problem being that **** really had a problem  he smoked tons of pot ,drank and did what he wanted...I really cared about him and wanted to stay with him no matter what..lets face it my home life was way worse ..my sister was pregnant at 17 so dad was on the war path it was safer not to be at home ..why would i stay at home to watch my sister get bailed up and threatened while pregnant ..

I was absolutely besotted with **** his shit didnt stink i did anything he said without questioning him(bar sex)..i was accused of having sex with him by church members ..which broke my heart ..because i wasnt..and when i told them they chose not to believe me,they also told me my home life wasn't as bad as i made out ,that i was being dramatic...so fuck church and god

off i went with **** into the big blue yonder ,sex yep why not,booze yep sure why not,bit of pot sure why not...

to be continued.....

ptsd continued part 2 trigger warning

My family packed up and left the sticks when i was 11,we moved to town arrg that was a journey in itself..

we moved to a very busy street and not in the best area of town..i was terrified at night i constantly dreamt  of being attacked,probably due to the 17 odd burglaries on our street..
well my dad was still a raving alcoholic and my mother still pretending everything was just dandy..
somehow i survived school for the first two years after moving into town i think i was just so numb i didnt feel anything....
Then i hit my teenage year ..i had my first brush with alcohol at 13 big deal i,d been smoking since i was 6yrs old.. all that was said when i vomited  was "haha that will teach you"....yes it did ..slow down you will still get drunk off your arse...
so my teenage years are a bit of a blur  i was a quiet teen who spent lots of time hanging with her brother quietly getting drunk go home pass out and no one noticed...

 I had very few friends due to the fact i could not have friends over to my home because dad would be plastered and run me down telling my friends how stupid,fat  and ugly i was.

school had become a nightmare my brother had fucked up and was in the shit with the law ..apparently THAT was my fault as well...and i was in class with others that were involved so i was mocked and ridiculed simply because i was related...only to get home to be bailed up in a corner question by the gestapo (commonly known as my parents )what did i know? how long had i known ?why was nothing said ?,how could you.if only you had said ...your brother wouldn't be in so much trouble...........

meanwhile i have  decided somewhere in the madness of my family that i should become a christian..so i start to go to youth group....well what i giant bloody mistake that was....

i go to youth group i dont fit in all the other young teens come from "clean backgrounds" never dealt with half the crap i had ..but i push on with the hope of a better life..

I meet my first ever boyfriend....not a crush a real boy...shits going to go real down hill real fast from here...

self validation feelings ugh!

i learnt some important stuff the last few weeks ..things i have never heard before ...

something i hadn't been able to do but am now starting to do and its dam hard..

what is self validation? these couple of paragraphs  made me really cry and become very frustrated all at once..so you could say it was triggering ... but worth the time..

self validation..

*when you are quietly able to acknowledge your emotions and reassure yourself what you feel inside is REAL,is IMPORTANT,UNDERSTANDABLE and makes sense...(bomb one dropped)


*it includes taking yourself SERIOUSLY,allowing yourself to feel what you feel (first emotion)think what you think,want what you want with ACCEPTANCE,and without judgements ,second guessing,self loathing ,self contempt....(bomb two complete)


that's the first time i have read my feelings are real,important ..

i broke down in tears and became so frustrated ...ive been lied to all my life..bastards!!

i was taught from a young age my feelings were not important,that i was imagining things ..that they were not real...

your not hungry i just fed you... stop crying, that didn't hurt,I've been told things I've seen in others doesn't exist and that my own depression is just a figment of my imagination ...that i shouldn't get anxious i should just not worry!! well fuck you!!(yes getting a little frustrated even writing this )but then that's understandable when you see how hard it is for me to take my own feelings seriously..after being denied my own voice for so long ... its a work in progress one day at a time and mini steps in the right direction....

grief sucks

for the past few months i have had the waves of grief hit me,random times a sound a song a laugh

they are not the nice waves that everyone says surf ride the wave blah blah blah

They are tidal waves that crash in ..

obliterating my ability to think ,feel and be in this world

at the end of a moment in time im wrung out flatten to the floor choking back bile gasping for air tears that wont come until my throat has burnt itself...

and then the tears come ..what a god dammed mess

i,m tired.

i have had to make some choices that i never wanted to make,

break promise i wanted to keep.

give me a fucking break im doing the best i can.

i hate grief, i hate loss i hate the hollowness that follows.

Im told that this gets better and that its gets easier..i hope so.

life saving stuff

in some places the world its suicide prevention week ..... and i want to share my thought about it so a TW is in place (trigger warning ) just in-case you are feeling sensitive today...

Lots of people struggle with the thought of taking their own life ...just lots of people keep it to themselves and unfortunately some  go ahead and take their life..
WHY???

SHAME,isolation, guilt,self loathing...crippling self hatred a lack of self compassion...dissociation,alcohol and or drug abuse..mental suffering...sometimes the way a persons family is ..or how society views mental illness ,stigma about mental health...

What do i have to say and how would i know anything of relevance..I've been at rock bottom i know what happens to a persons head that is contemplating suicide ..

signs you need help..

sleeping too much/little..you are constantly tired so tired you could sleep for a hundred years.
you don't want to be with anyone,talk to anyone,you cry all the time,there is nothing in life you want anymore its all too hard...your thoughts are dark and brooding,you have plans..you are harsh in the way you speak to yourself,thinking about death a lot,
you are anxious and have a sense of foreboding that wont lift
you feel fake ,worthless,the world would be better of without you,everything is your fault
you don't feel safe or trust yourself,your mind is racing,or your have gone strangely calm and everything seems so logical..

How do you get help when its so cripplingly painful ..Step by step call a help line,get in your car drive to a hospital the drs if this means,have a cuppa,get in car,drive,sit,walk in, speak say you need help,write down what you want to say if you need to...you are worth it you deserve help..take action  NO-ONE should suffer in mental pain....remember it doesn't matter how rich/poor attractive/not so attractive popular unpopular when it comes to depression and mental suffering its not popularity contest and if you do nothing..all that will be left is another sad shitty statistic...you do not have to go through how you feel on your own..

PTSD meet BPD *TW trigger warning part one

So how did i end up with Post traumatic stress disorder did i fight in  Nam  nope...but as a child i lived in a war zone of sorts..and it only got worse as i got older ...and how did BPD develop ..well to start with apparently i was born with an emotion sensitivity that i cant help at all it just is...but where i ran into problems is how i grew up ...i share my story and write this blog  a) for me its cathartic and b) I hope anyone searching for answers finds some like  did when i was desperate for answers...

I grew up in a remote rural location, a very small local school..I am the youngest in my family..
My dad a raving alcoholic,My mother deadly against any alcohol/drugs ..

MY dad was not a kind man he punished my brother and sisters a lot,I was witness to arms being twisted behind their backs ,hit with things,things thrown at them,bullied and occasional fists in the face.I was daddies girl..i was often asked if i had done something and i would often say yes just so my sister or brother didn't get it...he made my sister terrified of the dark....love was only given if you were doing exactly as you were told ..if you didn't do well at something you were deemed no good..and the constant put downs ..and it was not advised to get angry, I  saw what happened to my brother and sisters if you did...and don't cry EVER..your life would be made hell if you did with the constant.".what a sook"..".well you shouldn't  be so.."...

MY mother..an emotionally abused child herself and now in a mentally abusive relationship..I firmly believe my mother suffers from BPD herself so i try not to hold things against her but i do wish she has left my dad.
I used to dread my mother going away every year for three weeks holiday..we were left with dad who was drunk every evening and took us for wild motorbike rides through the farm drunk and we ate the same thing every night for three weeks ...

I was always scared..dad had friends over all drinking(someone usually had a punch up ) ..scared,dad getting home from the pub(someone usually got yelled/hit ..scared..dad yelling scared...dad hitting,yelling,threatening scared..dad talking softly cajoling scared...being made to kiss drunk uncles goodnight scared...

Not exactly a great start and all that before the age of 10...

I don't hate my dad  he passed away from cancer a few years back recon any wrong doings he did he got paid back in an awful way and hope he rests in peace now....to be continued...

what does it all mean..what the hell..

As you can maybe imagine the last thing you want to find out is that you have a disorder right? well for me wrong i was relieved..I finally have answers to things that have quietly and not so quietly caused chaos in my life,don't  get me wrong i wasn't jumping for joy  but i felt i had something to finally go on...
what does having BPD(borderline ) mean for me ..in my last post the signs /traits /symptoms were listed and some of it sounds a little confusing unless you carry a dictionary around or know some mental health jargon..
here's the guts of what it means for me..In no particular order and  I think its important to note I have PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder ) as well because the two overlap a lot and my head goes fuzzy ..

emotional instability...I am really sensitive ..it takes me a while to calm down if i am angry or anxious or sad or anything i really FEEL it(think physically in your body like a stabbing or burning pain )...which leads me to
transient stress related paranoia  or severe dissociative symptoms...I dissociate a lot from my emotions I find my emotions so painful or intense that hello my mind shuts down (i learned to do this from a young age)I don't always know im doing it but recently through therapy I know when its starting to happen... also a symptom of PTSD  for me it feels like I'm  going underwater and talking to someone from a distance even though they might be right next to me ...
Impulsivity..well i don't go off and shag anything that walks but i do reckless things i might go drink or just do something that someone else would be able to clearly identify as a bad idea...i only realize it was a bad idea AFTER I've  done it ...but I'm working on that one ....
intense anger..errmm yes but i don't get into fist fights or go round bashing people in general..it all goes inward..because i was taught that its not ok to get angry ever....
unstable relationships..yes totally guilty of seeing either all good or all bad ...it does cause me heartache and....
chronic feelings of emptiness..because i shut everyone out  because...
my belief that every one will abandon me   (frantic and terrified at times)
and experiencing chronic emptiness and lack of meaningful friendships  leads to depression which leads to suicidal thoughts and things get very nerve racking ..

so  how did this develop and whats with the PTSD ...i'll let you know next time i feel like posting...
 

who..whattttt...why me...

Earlier this year i had the supreme pleasure (*note sarcasm)of discovering I suffer from a disorder well actually two...sigh overachiever even in disorders!!.
For years i have just thought i was a little weird ,suffered bouts of depression and anxiety...never knowing the truth until now...Which leads me to..I suffer from BPD and PTSD... what a bunch of letters...no if only I was scared of the alphabet.
These shortened versions stand for Borderline personality disorder and Post traumatic stress disorder
I will be hashing out what this all means the signs the symptoms and my experiences with these disorders,to me this is my place to be me  ,sometimes I may post my thoughts on subjects that are not popular.. somethings may be triggering for which i will post a TW trigger warning ..and some days i will swear so be warned if your looking for perfect MOVE ON NOW....
About BPD
The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive, oftentimes demonstrating self-injurious behaviors (risky sexual behaviors, cutting, suicide attempts).
well crap that sounds great..sigh but wait

BPD traits (five of any 9 of these and bingo )

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating.
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.           

well that all sounds like a dream come true doesn't it...ah no first of all half of it you need a dictionary to understand..well next time i,ll explain what BPD means to me and how it affects me and my life and maybe inspire and give someone hope that all is not lost....and a little about how PTSD plays a part in my life as well ...