TW life goes by...

Its been a while  so here goes ...,

yesterday was my birthday,its OK you didn't  know,
yesterday another brilliant musician took his life Chester Bennington,i still was reeling from the death of Chris Cornell another beloved musician of mine and to get home to find the news once again we have lost a beautiful soul devastates me ,BUT you know whats worse is the comments on all of the news feeds i,m on.
 I like a lot of rock/metal musicians and when they post their condolence because they are real fucking people and these are their friends .What pisses me off and disgusts me is the callous and uncalled for comments and fucking Memes that are made in such poor taste  and in the midst of hundreds of grieving fans,family members and friends and the clear resolute ignorance and lack of thought or empathy when making such comments ,Now i have an awesome sense of humor but people dying is never funny by suicide nope still not laughing.

Calling out people who have died by suicide cowardly/selfish,just stop CLEARLY you have no understanding at all,ever talked to someone suffering depression?anxiety ?some form of chronic pain suicide is a desperate and final attempt at relieving serious mental pain,People dont really want to die they want the PAIN gone and cannot see a way for that pain to be gone any other way.As for what about his family kids  etc maybe he felt like he was doing them a favor,as he may of felt like a burden ,I,m so sad we lost another human being,not just a favorite musician it hurts my heart to think of someone so desperate and in pain alone.

Please stop think and ask questions when appropriate but stop making jokes and belittling  a person who has past.

love flowers

gosh I love flowers and these smell magnificent ,I also love going to markets

 hehe ignore my note more proof of self care

Inspiration...selfcare Why...What..

HI! its been a while since my last post ,because well I just didn't think I had that much to say at the moment,I have had a few changes ,Job change goals have changed ,feelings are changing ..I dont like change much BUT I can cope.I am feeling like I have a touch of depression like a dementor is lurking close but not quite there ..so im trying to get some good self care stuff going so that even if depression slinks in like the over-stayer that wont piss off that I will cope ,plod along and know that eventually it will leave again,after chatting with some google peeps,Annie that's you  and that's you  Javier felt inspired to do some things,Things I tell everyone to do because they help with depression and anxiety and BPD symptoms  also PTSD and probably others as well .See I like to fix things ,people animals but often I forget myself until its too late..so I,m taking some of my own advise and doing some self care ,Now some self  care is nice stuff like pampering face stuff nice soap and buying cool stuff ,some self care is not so much fun like sitting down and doing some mindfulness exercise and seeing that shit actually I,m feeling sad and a bit depressed(not a pleasant feeling)Its booking that doctors appointment,its making myself go to bed when i want to stay up and watch tv,Its not buying that bottle of wine on a Friday night or Saturday ....What is self care..To me self care is you taking care of you own needs and not expecting anyone else to do it for you,it is doing to sometimes nice things ,but also the I need to get this done things like going for a blood test or making sure I have taken my iron pills.or dealing with an emotional issue that's been procrastinated about for ever!.I am pleased to say I have some thing in motion for when I am feeling a bit crap and I have taken some photos to share of what my self care box looks like and what some of the nicer things I do when I,m feeling ratshit .some of the stuff is distraction things for the super over busy thinking mind,some things like the doodle book make you use your imagination some things are just pretty and things I have bought in the markets,my pretty box needs a top up as I actually use the stuff which is funny because at first I couldn't even use the things because I didn't want to ruin them :) also you cant smell how fabulous the box smells its fantastic !If you dont have a self care box i suggest you start one they really are great I think I will be adding some cash  to mine and some notes about which feeling goes with what and what i have found worked in the past when i felt like that!also a list of who is good to talk to when I am feeling down.

 market buys

 pretty coloring in note book

 my fabulous doodle book

my pretty self care pamper box

my sons car repair boxs haha he repaints his cars with my nail polish clever boy

 my $3.00 pumpkin  and some more pretty stuff....ps im obsessed with the colour blue i love it :)

Having BPD borderline personality disorder...NEWSFLASH

NEWSFLASH having BPD is not a death sentence,you are not an arsehole,you are not incurable,you are not borderline...you are a person with borderline personality disorder ...gah Today i have read one to many articles and seen on pinterest one too many flashcard type pins telling me how awful my life is and how borderlines do this and borderlines do this ,and how im always going to lose my temper and hurt people and do this and that and then kill myself  um no actually im not im having a cup of tea and planning my lunch for tomorrow for which i planned to be around for ....
please stop the miserable crap on borderline personality disorder and be part of sharing some hope ..

I have my bad days but  then I would say so do people without BPD,also I   will say DBT has made a huge difference to how i cope also seeing a therapist for about a year helped hugely and before that online help such as DBT path ,Kati morton and other mental health bloggers/vloggers and there are also some great dbt work books out there too

,I cant wait to start seeing some more positives spins on people with BPD.

loneliness = not feeling too flash

Ive Ummed  and ahhed about writing due to exactly how I am feeling,but came to the conclusion that better out than kept in hiding growing like a cancer spreading and suffocating the life out of me,(feeling quite macabre)
I hate loneliness ,also I,m quite scared of it at times as it can  lead me to feeling suicidal ,full of self doubt and feeling like this huge weight and shadow are following me around trying to smother me ,causing a huge ache and sorrow that seems never ending ,I can see through the years in my life where loneliness has always just been there right from a little child isolated and struggled to keep friends or have any at all (living in the middle of no where with an alcoholic father not helping ) skip forward teenage years no better always the weird kid strange fashion sense and a strange no need to be like anyone else like I already knew there was no point ..I wasn't going to fit anyway.To my early twenties I think I spent drunk and stoned to help erase the loneliness (not recommended coping skill )skip forward to thirties still there in fact worse now in that time because I,m pregnant with my son and feeling very alone in my relationship and then develop postnatal depression (ex partner does not believe in depression so is not supportive)needless to say that after two years we separate only I have to do it because even though nothing I ever did wasn't good enough I was still a great house maid..I,m forty now and yup my faithful companion loneliness is haunting me once again and all I can think is this it?will it always be this way...I am doing my best I have made huge efforts in areas of my life ,I don't cut people off like I used to in the past(unless they are of danger to me ie and alcoholic friend pushing booze at me ),I don't drink anymore or smoke and pot or any drugs for that matter,I don't isolate to the extent I used to and yet I still have this horrible sense of  I will be alone all my life..and that is not a life worth living.I don't have any answers to solving this currently  but have to trust that something in my DBT skills will kick in and help ,I do have planned a friends visit which I know will improve my mood somewhat but I would like to work on the bigger picture also...or maybe i just need a big cry fuck knows..so if you have BPD I,m guessing you will understand this post and so maybe

Im not alone after all.

triggered this week

Hard week was triggered this week by a work colleague,not that she overly did anything noticeable  but because im very sensitive to tone  and this person has triggered me too many times now it actually doesn't take much...I find it incredible frustrating I just want to get on with my day/life without crap surfacing constantly..I'm thinking I was triggered both by  my borderline symptoms and  PTSD symptoms ,I liken the experiences to that of and earthquake, so example is said conversation happened on Tuesday within a minute of that conversation i find myself angry,upset,frustrated (all very quietly i might add)I cannot speak to any of my co workers for  15 mins as I'm mentally processing how I had been spoken to my blood rushing my mind yelling I'm NOT FUCKING STUPID!!.Now I know when my mind is yelling that I have been triggered and its a trigger related to my father who repeatedly treated me like I was in fact very stupid,and could never EVER be right about anything ...anyway after sometime I could discuss with a co worker what had been said and I really felt I needed validation from someone else ..this in itself annoyed me as I don't trust my own thoughts /judgement still...I went home that day extremely drained I also reached out to a friend to discuss my day /what had happened and felt shut down so have not discussed it and feel I cant talk to her about important stuff now..just meaningless ..how was your day oh yeah awesome OK bye ..(fake)
since Tuesday I have  had multiple "aftershocks" reminders small blips of stuff from my dad and childhood popping up ..what seems like nothing to others has huge after affects for me  incredibly draining and somewhat doesn't make sense to others  this is where I'm really glad I did DBT and one year of therapy as I would know nothing of this not recognize my feelings of hurt and angry and feeling betrayed I would be at the bottom of a bottle and three months later crawling in to the doctors having no idea of what was wrong or why I felt so depressed ...the biggest difference I have noticed is that I KNOW what is happening and I KNOW what to do ...and im doing it SELFCARE taking time to eat well,sleep,exercise  and choosing great activities with my child over beating myself up ..being mindful and noticing I've started catastrophising  alot this week  and I listen to loads of music when  feeling  crap which I have been doing ,the difference now is that I have time limits so its not three in the morning before I go to bed ...i must say out of a shitty week its nice to stand back and view my week and go wow I

did a good job I was professional,keep my cool ,stuck to my values  and managed my selfcare  that will do pig that will do....

disappointed... psychologist etc

This week sadly I read an article , sort of wish I hadn't ...a psychologist wrote an article about people with narcissism(narcissist ) and BPD and the same old load of crap  regarding BPD was thrown around like fact  ..as a person with BPD this really bothers me I'm sick of being told I'm one way and one way only (this is very black and white thinking on the psychologists behalf i might add )..that I cant change that I'm to be avoided and certainly to never enter into a relationship with because I'm such an arsehole...(ok he didnt say arsehole but might as well of )I also fell onto another article but  I did back out on that one after reading the title ..how to deal with   borderline and the wording thus in was not any better. You know i am actually a person not some shitty statistic ,some horrendous disorder ...and despite so called professionals telling me I'm so bad ,I cant be treated and hopeless that people need treatment from me like a disinfectant because I'm so poisonous...despite all of that im doing okay i didnt go beat anyone to a pulp ,yell or throw a fit what i did do was use my DBT skills to think about WHY does it bother me so much what some stranger wrote  and heres what it is in a nutshell...

psychologists are there to help people with mental illness its what they chose as a profession,BPD is a TREATABLE mental illness that has lots of stigma..I believe people that are in the field  of mental health should be INSPIRING and giving hope ,there is enough people abusing people with BPD already in this world (so many people with BPD also suffer PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
if tomorrow you had to switch places and YOU were the person who had BPD(mr psychologist)would you want to read that you are to be avoided,that you will cause nothing but pain and misery to any that have involvement with you ,that you are a hopeless suicidal lost cause...or..would you like to be uplifted and told about the awesome things that can help like having cbt ,DBT therapy that you are understood that you are supported..that YOU BELONG and that you as a person with BPD are needed in  this world..and that you shouldn't be ashamed of a disorder you didnt ask for....the stuff that is said in these articles really hurts and I remember when I found out I had BPD I had to really search thru a pile of really nasty stuff to find some hope (THANKYOU HEALING FROM BPD!!)and (KATI MORTON)...please stop the stigma and if you cant say anything nice just say nothing.

Triggers

Good lord the last few weeks have been hard ,hence not posting much just trying to keep afloat ,work stress,money stress,friend stress TOO much stress and slowly progressing to not going to therapy as im doing well....its been a week of SHE SAID WHAT!!and Oh fuck i,m going to cry (imagine a gunman next to you every time you think you are going to cry and you get an inkling of what that feels like for me ) having learnt this week that just because i,m am polite say things in the right tone in the right manner it doesn't fucking matter, people still get their tits in a tango and sulk and carry on like big babies it pisses me off when I really make an effort to practice my DBT(look it up ) skills and people don't co operate!!aghhhh anyway I am still persisting with my skills even though I have to use about 5 skills to practice the one i really want to use . ..my urge is to not talk (isolate )to ignore (sulk)to cut people  off ..(sabotage)not keep in contact assume the worst and yell and blame   woohoo....worst of all this week is I know I have been triggered not just once but multiple times... it all gets too much when this happened I was so drained yesterday I really wondered what my life was about being constantly triggered sucks ..they never stop I think I know them then BAM in comes a new memory or an old one that I think im okay with comes back, I am heartily sick of being triggered this week I am going to spend time alone but not because I don't like people its because I like them and I don't want to be angry at them because of something that happened years ago they are just sadly pushing a bomb trigger :(...any way that's my bit of a rant so what am i doing to help lower my stress ...

well actually i stood up for myself and did it with good firm polite manners so suck it!..and i also am making sure i eat well...sleeping ok i have slowly weaned myself down to 4 coffees a day miracle there!spending some time in the garden...being okay with myself if i need to have a cry not scolding myself for this,allowing myself to miss a friend ..accepting that sometimes people just don't

get it and that life sometime just isn't fair and that its okay to be a bit pissed off oh and one thing i really wish is that if i have to practice the say in the pic then so should everyone else.....

I have a secret...I have a troll...Well actually a couple..

EVER get a voice in your head that says "you cant do that' you cant do this it will never work ,you are doomed to fail etc

Well i have a troll It comes out whenever i try to make new friends,try new things,try to express myself (in fact i can hear it muttering now)it comes out when i go to bed at night whenever i make a mistake,dare to care about something,when i am suffering from an anxiety attack or I,m in a group or when I,m alone and feel depressed...

WOW she really is nuts...OK hang on i will explain how it works and now what i do differently and how now i have learnt to shut the troll down  and change an upset emotion to an amused at ease one :)

In my life living with PTSD Post traumatic stress disorder and BPD borderline personality disorder,there are many things a troll can have fun with and up till now I haven't stood much chance...but now I know I have a disorder or two I know whats going on.

meeting new people TROLL out "you dont belong"you are fat ugly,stupid,an idiot etc
going to bed at night..TROLL out.."remember when you,you cried you sooky  bubba,How dare you care,YOU stupid idiot,you are so dumb you are a mistake ,nobody loves you ,you will never be enough.....


Ok,ok,ok  shakes troll off instead of getting into long sniveling debates with this troll ...what I do now is a simply picture a box i pick up said troll launch into box lid on and if so much as a peep i hear outta  box i take lid of and imagine a gag a pretty one with butterfly's and gross girly things on it and put lid back on ...the more annoying the troll the more humiliating things i will imagine ie make it sing Bruno mars..wear pig tails have on really girly perfume...hum positive songs make it wear silly hats etc

this is called diffusion and if that all fails to make me laugh then imagine troll saying all that stuff as daffy duck never fails to make me laugh and therefore i have effectively created troll diffusion spray  think i will call myself dr Quazy today ... ;)think about how you could use and idea like this to help yourself.

having no filter...

Sucks to be me at times..I have this problem of not thinking though consequences ..(not so much now) but this has been a problem in my life and one I am slowly learning to address..

You see in my life I have a mother who like me has this problem of not filtering out your brains general thoughts and I am sure lots of people have these thoughts THEY JUST DON'T BLURT THEM OUT!!!...

In my life this no filter approach has cost me ..sometimes I have been unaware of the cost..today I am aware of the cost my lack of thought has caused harm..and pain to others and for this I am greatly ashamed and my only sad but true excuse is that i simply didn't know...

I have seen this quote and never really got it until now I cant tell you how much I wish that I had understood this earlier,I really did believe that if it was true then its ok to say..I completely forgot the rest..I now tend to go and be guided by the last two statements in the quote...and you know what i find that i can be proud and have self respect because i am learning some impulse control...that is always a good thing. 

you are not wanted...

This ones is for parents...

Think about what you say to your children should you be lucky enough to have them...


Your child might not have been planned....but do you really need to tell your child that?Do you need to tell all that child's siblings as well....Is it really necessary that you tell your child every gory detail of how they were not planned they were a mistake,that you and your other parent argued over who,s fault is what that you were going to be born..... because what is said repetitively to a child..becomes an adult one day with some really fucked up mummy and daddy issues....

i was not planned
a mistake
result of drunk parents
an accident
a nuisance
unwanted
a burden
a vehicle to punish the other parent...

I did not ask to be born ....IF you don't want *accidental children* don't have sex,or wear a condom,use the pill and other contraception...i relate to the song posted....

existing

Its been another tough couple of weeks and when its like that i stick my head in the sand ..well actually I put my headphones on and shut everyone and everything out...I'm getting better at coming back out thou..


Sometimes with BPD and PTSD it can feel to me like i don't exist, I want to give you and example and some explanation as to what this looks like for me, please keep in  mind that some of this may seem ridiculous and very sensitive sally..tough luck because i am sensitive but this all makes sense to me now so hopefully it will to you and give you a little piece of insight as to what BPD and PTSD can feel like at times..

In a day some things that can happen to me which will turn a switch and I,m in BPD and PTSD mode.
I,m driving to work and a car will pull out directly in front of me...I stop to full up with gas at the station not only does the chap inside take FOREVER to let the pump work but some man pushes past me and gets served first..i get to work and staff who know me call me by someone else s  name and then the boss comes in and hands us work info with my name spelt wrong.....i then am trying to talk to my friend and her phone bleeps and she is reading a text while i am talking....a work colleague comes to ask information from me i answer and that same work colleague asks the same question to another person and they answer the same as me and then that work colleague is satisfied...    now some of that or maybe most of that does not seem like a big deal but then tack on how i was bought up and some life experiences and BOOM i am flashing back to multiple times i have been ignored ,the reality of no photos of me as a child ,multiple times i was called ***sister(not my own name  just my sisters name )multiple times my own name was

spelt wrong ..times with my ex partner where i said something it was ignored and his dad said the exact same thing and it was received like it had never been heard before.....being pulled out in front of in traffic scares the bejesus out of me ,my thoughts always scream out AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE!!!and in a day where lots of things may have been triggered..my body then goes numb and i cant feel if i am real..I literally feel like i have disappeared like i am fog just floating around..it can be and awful feeling when its stays for a long time so i have had to learn how to "ground myself" i do this by checking my five senses,smell,taste,touch,hear,see..sometimes if i am at home i will wrap a blanket around me...or have a really hot shower.....the biggest trigger has got to be people not listening because its a first class way of making someone feel like they are not there,that what they have to say is not important,that your not worth anything..you don't exist.....

ptsd flashback childhood ...triggers warning

As I often do I was listening to music ..and flicked onto one of my favorite songs of the moment...
I could feel myself getting  into the song  and then ..i just started to see the countless times that as a
child i had been very lucky to escape being seriously sexually abused as a child, and I can tell you they were very close calls and truly by sheer luck that it didn't happen until older (sadly)..my skin  and body still shudders and creeps out at things that i guess some people don't think twice about...

I,m not to fond of hugging i don't know what i,m supposed to do and i go on high alert,having to walk past others drinking is a nightmare i become very cold and unapproachable...and that smell of stale beer ..yerkkkk

The things i can now remember are being left with my brothers male friends,being left outside the local pub alone...being made to kiss drunk uncles and not necessarily related uncles goodnight...YUCK!
old men from the pub trying to kiss the little girl on their way out of the pub...brothers mates thinking its a good idea to play spin the bottle with a mere 7 yr old..all I can say is that these were truly terrifying events I hate my smelly uncles,I hated that dam pub and all I wanted was my parents..one in the pub and god knows where my mother was....

All i can say as a child who was lucky to escape certain parts of abuse..i didn't escape all ..emotional and mental abuse and neglect are bad enough thanks... is KNOW your children,be there ,be approachable,be willing to take the time to know who your child's friends are and who they hang with and keep any drunk uncles and aunty from slobbering on your child.

welcome to black and white thinking its all or nothing...get in get out...drown or swim

Its been a tough month,Christmas/DEC is not my favorite time of year ..it reminds me my family suck ..there are five of us still living and do ya think we can get together and share a nice "family time" errr nope we are spread out and the "joy " of Christmas is sadly lacking...besides i hate Christmas.. i dont like being reminded  that for the most part i am alone. Anyway with  that said i wish to explain some of my ability in powers of black and white thinking its quite embarrassing at times...


So currently i am in therapy  and often the problem that pops up for me is my extreme thinking ..finding a middle ground  i never knew such a thing existed..

here's  a couple of basic examples of what goes on ...

Its ALL my fault,No-one could EVER love me...NO-ONE cares...EVERYONE hates me

and for me I find it very disturbing to find out there is actually a different way of thinking a more balanced way to see things..i feel the ground shift from under me every-time it happens and i get frustrated and pissed off its like finding out Santa not real(dammit sorry kids)  or your most favorite actor or singer is a complete twat..and it makes me sad because i see things in this way due to my life experiences,and whats worse is that because of how i grew up i often feel very ashamed and stupid for not seeing  a certain view i have or had is simply the extreme and not necessarily true and I flick to another extreme of shutting down..gahhh so then i,m invalidating my own feelings ...SHIT!!!make it stop i wanna get off the ride....its making me sick..

the good news is I am able to recognize that im on the merry go round(HUGE PROGRESS) and i can stop it simply by challenging one detail...    like this ...

EVERY ONE hates me...challenge.. well my friend ***** doesent hate me so that's not everyone...some people may hate me and that's ok

friends

Its been on my mind ..since i have struggled all my life to have friends and keep them ...

why is it so hard to be a good friend and have friends..well for me i think my disorder has a lot to answer for..

I hate letting people close ..I loathe to let anyone in because invariably with my super sensitivity to criticism i dump and run ...an instinct an urge that i have followed all my life so far i am driven to protect myself from the searing pain and outright terror..of being rejected not seen good enough or too much ..too loud too BLAH ..
anyway i have started to look at things differently now as things are so different for me now..i don't really have to worry about losing friends as they are gone ...that's the trouble when you are honest ..you see when I found out I had PTSD and BPD I told my friends...I have 1 left now...

that's right a friend BFF (ha her words) said.."people that talk about suicide NEVER do it."...."YOUR not going to cry are you???"

My sister.."oh yeah i know this chick at work shes a depressed freak too"

another.".you don't have that YOU ARE NORMAL"

"lots of people grew up with a background like yours and they are okay.".."oh i haven't seen you for a few weeks i thought you had been taken to the nut house"....

and others well who knows and quite frankly I've had the shit kicked out of me this year ..

what i do know now is that I don't care if I just have one or two friends, what matters to me is that they are supportive,caring,understanding and i don't have to hide who I am and that I suffer from a serious mental illness..one that has come about simply because i was born sensitive and born into a family that was abusive.

people need to stop being arseholes too.I may have issues but i know i am a good ,caring,and supportive friend.

finding things tough..a well earned bitch and moan

I,ve had a strange two weeks....

I feel like i have dropped off the face of the earth..I'm disconnected and to be honest i don't think i mind to much..Every-time i pop back into reality..it just hurts

All i can see are failed friendships,loss,death and a huge looming future of segregation,stigma,self loathing,fighting ,struggling,willing myself to keep getting up everyday....FOR WHAT!!

I,m angry,sad,frustrated and quite frankly just fucking over it all

It is a very hard place to be in finding out the foundation beliefs in your life the ones that comfort and you hold dear are complete bullshit..gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What do i mean...

Well apparently its perfectly OK to cry and let others see you are hurt... NEWS to ME
I was taught time and time again by various people to cry in front of people is a risk not worth taking and that people will use it against you laugh at you belittle you or tell you that you imagined the hurt in the first place...or that you are simply a complete fucking pussy and should harden up and just cope like normal people do.

Its also OK to say you are angry..REALLY ???
not in my home it wasn't you would get a smack in the head or told you had no right to be angry that actually it was your fault *said incident even happened and that you should just be dam grateful that anybody even spoke to you..

oh and you belong YOU BELONG!! really REALLY i don't believe i fit in this world ..i never have,I,m always too loud ,to quiet,swears to much,speaks my mind too much,always says the wrong thing at the wrong time....

anyway next time I,m going to challenge those things that have been biting my ass..right now the lawn needs mowing.......

ptsd part3 continued trigger warning

so off into the big blue yonder i went with my lovely love of my life....

**** controlled what i did ..where i went,whom i spoke to as i found out he did not like it if i did things without checking it was OK first...

If say i babysat for friends of his without checking it was OK...apparently i was a selfish bitch who didn't care about him and only thought of myself (not that i just wanted to do something kind for one of his friends and that i thought he,d be happy about it )

****cheated on me with probably many girls i knew of two..

It was an intense relationship where i was constantly made to feel wrong..he physically choked me one night after drinking ,then completely denied doing it the next day and refused to speak of it,and me being a complete doormat let him get away with it.

He left me for my so called best friend in the end... he was having sex with her in the room next door to me while i was passed out dam near dead for alcohol poisoning..after drinking half a bottle of Malibu and southern comfort mixed with a joint (which i hadn't smoked before )..no one called me an ambulance i was out cold for two days and had tried climbing the walls there were FOUR people in that house and no one helped me.
He told his parents he had put my head threw a glass window..i was there    it was the dog and it had been an accident.

He laughed his  ass off at me when he saw me crying..

His parting words to me were..
"get an attitude""i did everything to you to see how far you would fall..."it was just a game...

and then he waltz off into the sunset without a care in the world with my ex best friend hand in hand.....

its been over 20yrs and its only this year i have remembered  all of this...no wonder im so fucked up.

ptsd part 3 trigger warning

So here i am ..fresh out of school and starting a course to gain qualifications....
Im going to church and trying to find a better way to be..

When i meet **** he is on the course i am on ..he flirts,he acts strange around me,he is very interested in the fact im a christian...I quite liked him he was a little weird but HE liked ME...

he pursued me..i wasn't sure  i had briefly seen other people but i was shy and apparently in my day guys didn't find virgins attractive..(yes i got dumped because of this )

The course was over and i was a bit lost  **** called me out of the blue and told me how much he liked me
I thought that was great and was really flattered no one had ever told me i was pretty,or made me feel special in any way..in other words i was a gonner...

**** parents were also Christians and so we went back and fourth between both my church and their church..the one problem being that **** really had a problem  he smoked tons of pot ,drank and did what he wanted...I really cared about him and wanted to stay with him no matter what..lets face it my home life was way worse ..my sister was pregnant at 17 so dad was on the war path it was safer not to be at home ..why would i stay at home to watch my sister get bailed up and threatened while pregnant ..

I was absolutely besotted with **** his shit didnt stink i did anything he said without questioning him(bar sex)..i was accused of having sex with him by church members ..which broke my heart ..because i wasnt..and when i told them they chose not to believe me,they also told me my home life wasn't as bad as i made out ,that i was being dramatic...so fuck church and god

off i went with **** into the big blue yonder ,sex yep why not,booze yep sure why not,bit of pot sure why not...

to be continued.....

ptsd continued part 2 trigger warning

My family packed up and left the sticks when i was 11,we moved to town arrg that was a journey in itself..

we moved to a very busy street and not in the best area of town..i was terrified at night i constantly dreamt  of being attacked,probably due to the 17 odd burglaries on our street..
well my dad was still a raving alcoholic and my mother still pretending everything was just dandy..
somehow i survived school for the first two years after moving into town i think i was just so numb i didnt feel anything....
Then i hit my teenage year ..i had my first brush with alcohol at 13 big deal i,d been smoking since i was 6yrs old.. all that was said when i vomited  was "haha that will teach you"....yes it did ..slow down you will still get drunk off your arse...
so my teenage years are a bit of a blur  i was a quiet teen who spent lots of time hanging with her brother quietly getting drunk go home pass out and no one noticed...

 I had very few friends due to the fact i could not have friends over to my home because dad would be plastered and run me down telling my friends how stupid,fat  and ugly i was.

school had become a nightmare my brother had fucked up and was in the shit with the law ..apparently THAT was my fault as well...and i was in class with others that were involved so i was mocked and ridiculed simply because i was related...only to get home to be bailed up in a corner question by the gestapo (commonly known as my parents )what did i know? how long had i known ?why was nothing said ?,how could you.if only you had said ...your brother wouldn't be in so much trouble...........

meanwhile i have  decided somewhere in the madness of my family that i should become a christian..so i start to go to youth group....well what i giant bloody mistake that was....

i go to youth group i dont fit in all the other young teens come from "clean backgrounds" never dealt with half the crap i had ..but i push on with the hope of a better life..

I meet my first ever boyfriend....not a crush a real boy...shits going to go real down hill real fast from here...

self validation feelings ugh!

i learnt some important stuff the last few weeks ..things i have never heard before ...

something i hadn't been able to do but am now starting to do and its dam hard..

what is self validation? these couple of paragraphs  made me really cry and become very frustrated all at once..so you could say it was triggering ... but worth the time..

self validation..

*when you are quietly able to acknowledge your emotions and reassure yourself what you feel inside is REAL,is IMPORTANT,UNDERSTANDABLE and makes sense...(bomb one dropped)


*it includes taking yourself SERIOUSLY,allowing yourself to feel what you feel (first emotion)think what you think,want what you want with ACCEPTANCE,and without judgements ,second guessing,self loathing ,self contempt....(bomb two complete)


that's the first time i have read my feelings are real,important ..

i broke down in tears and became so frustrated ...ive been lied to all my life..bastards!!

i was taught from a young age my feelings were not important,that i was imagining things ..that they were not real...

your not hungry i just fed you... stop crying, that didn't hurt,I've been told things I've seen in others doesn't exist and that my own depression is just a figment of my imagination ...that i shouldn't get anxious i should just not worry!! well fuck you!!(yes getting a little frustrated even writing this )but then that's understandable when you see how hard it is for me to take my own feelings seriously..after being denied my own voice for so long ... its a work in progress one day at a time and mini steps in the right direction....